A few weeks

It's been a while since I have posted something here. I just never found the time to do so. My parents and younger brother have been overseas for the last two weeks and will be back just a bit after the New Years. So I have just been self sustaining and it's nice having peace and quiet here. To be honest I'm not feeling very content with everything right now, I just want so much more yet I don't know what I can do to not feel this.

To be honest, I am not feeling very confident on my holiday to Vietnam and Thailand. I am actually feeling really nervous about this and not looking forward to it. With all the constant trolling that's happening usually I'm brushing it off but then there's times when it become overwhelming, trying to enjoy a night out/in. I know it's going to be an awesome trip with my mates, but there's that part of me where I am like: "we haven't sent our passports to get our Visas for Vietnam, we're relying on Allen's uncle to get us accommodation there too. Thailand is another story, Phuket we're still trying to find accommodation too, and also the flooding in Bangkok, most of it is cleared up now but yeh.

On the bright side though, I have gotten my tickets for Soundwave, Mastodon, Slipknot, Iced Earth, so after coming back from overseas its going to be jam packed with gigs! That's what I am excited for, but all that happens end of Feb and through to April.

I am dreading to go to work tomorrow, after a six day weekend I cannot be bothered. But the good thing is, I have finally gotten my tax and superannuation fixed up. I was getting taxed at the highest tax bracket for over a year and a half and I just finally got it fixed, I was also contributing another 7% of super deducted from my pay... On my last pay cheque I saw a huge jump in my income ahhhh, such a nice sight.

Mmm writing all this out has made me feel better, I was slightly brooding earlier but its okay now. Christmas was great at home, Matt prepared some baby-back ribs with Jack Daniel's sauce and also a side of chicken chips and beer battered prawns. I invited Phung over for dinner too seeing as his family weren't doing anything. I should plan to do something for New Years but I am not sure what yet.

Results

I have been meaning to make a post since last week about uni results. Well unfortunately I had failed two units. I can only look back and think, how did I let myself get so distracted with everything. I wasn't able to concentrate, for most of the semester and then when I had clarity it was in SWOTVAC, which gave me one week to study for my first exam. So I will be at uni for another semester on top of the two I have left. I didn't feel sad or depressed about the results, it was my fault that I let the semester slip by me. Its my job to get on top of it all and just do it, regardless of me feeling like I cannot be bothered, or that I just don't feel well.

Devourer

I see a dark hidden road
Beyond this valley I walk alone
Only the wind and the rain can be heard
The clouded night sky, is bleeding tonight
Gravel road has turned to mush
As I slip and fall to the ground
Crimson eyes glaring through the fog
Staring at what possible prey they may have sprung
They pounce from the shadows
Fangs bearing, razor sharp
Ready for flesh to be consumed
A feast for the night
A feast for the night
Let the rain wash away the blood
Let the wind blow away the scent
As I become one with the hunter
My mortal shell to be cycled for their needs
Piercing cries of pain, splitting the clouds
Cracking the sky
I will become one with the hunter

Deadweight

Feeling alright at the moment, compared to 12 hours ago where I felt like death. We had the League of Legends tournament today. It was pretty good, other than the fact that our other two players were absolutely noobs. Fortunately for us, Phung's brother's friend Truss was there. We only found out he played LoL two days ago and decided to add him as our sub. It was good able to support a good player, I would've given up all hope if I had to babysit one of the scrubnubs. The best part was we got 8th place and won our money back! If we had our mainline up and not the scrubnubs, we would've easily came second. It was a really fun day, we got to meet some cool people, and the organiser of the event was very well connected with the gaming community, and developers so it was cool to get to know him.

An oldie

I've been watching old wrestling vids, WWF/WCW/WWE and this song just had a huge overwhelming nostalgic feeling to it. I know wrestling is scripted but everything it reminds me of when I was kid, and how cool it was back then. I'll admit it is still extremely corny, but it was entertaining to watch.

There is a lot of the past that I won't forget, some parts that I have forgotten, except any time I see a sandpit I just remember back when I was in Prep (I was four or five at the time) and I had my awesome Green Power Ranger toy and I was drive him into the sand and now I scream out "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" at that thought, thinking about how much I was destroying it, with the sand in the joints and the scratches on the paint.

But yes, I digress, there also parts of the past that I still hold on to, wondering if they'll ever come into fruition. Sad memories have all been put aside, with happy memories being the first things that come to mind.

Can't wait until Friday for the Christmas party at work! So glad I am no longer working Saturdays so I can enjoy myself.
I need to get accommodation booked as well for next year. I struggled to sleep last night I am not sure why either. I got into bed around 2.45am, and was still awake when I eventually got out at 5am to take a piss. I got some sleep but was awoken by a text message from a mate. Hopefully tonight will be a lot better.

I had a random dream about a post apocalyptic world. It was on top of a trailer seeking out shelter with my younger brother Benson, and in the distance I could see a whole herd/stampede of some creature that I can't remember, they were either giant scorpions or something else, and eventually they made it to our location. Knocking over the trailer we stood on, and trying to kill us but somehow we were able to scare them away. I remember then seeing a building a top of small mountain. I don't know how I got there, but I was inside and the building was slanted a top of this mountain, I looked inside and there was food, and still some gas stoves running. A guitar was lying there, a clarinet too. It was high up like it was fortified but I woke up before anything else.

Alright I best go to sleep now.

Its all about the gaimz

So back to part time hours for me now! It's been a cumbersome road to this point. Many plans and ideals that need to start rolling are all about to happen. I was supposed to start playing Skyrim this week, but we have entered a League of Legends tournament. http://www.cybergamer.com.au/forums/thread/304464/MidCity-Melbourne-5v5-Tournament/ If you click the "Spoiler: Click to view" you will see all the teams. We're team number 13.

Creepsythe (Allen), imolestu (Phung) and myself, Mortifyd, with two randoms we found on the forum to get a team of five (we didn't decide on the team name by the way..). If we had Herbert and Lambert we would have a good chance in this tournament, but they left to go overseas on Sunday. The other two players are dragging us down which is unfortunate, and also that a professional gaming team sponsored by Razer has entered too, but hey just there to have fun and see what the competitive gaming scene is like in Melbourne.

I need to get ready for bed, long day a head tomorrow. Need to get in shape, and them mad guitar skills, and of course work at night.

If you only knew

I posted the lyrics to this song a while back. It only just popped into my head just then so I decided to post the song.

Sleep is for the weak

So very tired at the moment, lack of sleep for the last few days. Hoping to sleep in for once tomorrow. I feel like I'm getting old, unable to stay up late like I used to. Just one more week left of full time hours then I will be able to relax and calm down.

Follow your heart

When it comes down to the realisation of reality and the options laid in front of you. Do you seek the alternatives in life, or do you stay with the norm, never to deviate away because taking such risk, is well risky. Are the rewards you reap from it enough? If you choose the other option, and you need to change your entire life would you take that plunge?

I don't think many people would move away and leave their current life to chase a dream, passion, love, or to start again. We are so absorbed into our current lives and thinking about the alternatives that we would never follow. Stability is one of the most important pillars in life that everyone wants, but never realises. Give them the option to choose a job that pays extremely well but they hate, or a job that they love and pays next to nothing, most people would choose to do the job that pays extremely well. Why, because it grants that financial security. But some people will choose to do what the job the love. That is what else that drives human beings, passion.

Those who realise this and are willing to starve for a few days, to be in debt, just to do what they love, their passion never fading. How are people able to do that? They accept what hardships they may endure, but that satisfaction, that self fulfilment achieved by following their dreams and passions, weighs greater than that. To dive head first into the dark abyss for the treasure that lies beneath.

So risk it all, bet it all on black, quit the job you hate, tell your current circle of friends that you hate them and find new ones, change the life you lead. Dreams and passions can only do so much until you start to chase them. Have the strive to work at it, and to follow what's in your heart. You are the one who is in control of your own destiny.

I don't want you to be alone

And there she goes, gone again.

Dreams

Currently learning this song on guitar. Its about following dreams and being happy with what you have. I had finished my last exam on Monday and I have just been working since.

The Poison

Alright one exam left which is tomorrow. No stress. My head has been clear for the last few weeks, and I thought "Hey this is great, I can start to concentrate again". As I was driving to uni, I didn't have my music on, so it was just a quiet drive with the windows down and the air just rushing through the car. Just cruising and enjoying the weather. Out of no where the thought/voice in my head "Kevin you didn't fight hard enough for me". I instantly pulled up and parked on the side of the road. Those words, they were such poison, seeping through again.

I just sat in my car for five minutes, and thought to myself "I already accepted that I did the best I could, so why is this still able to haunt me?".

Oh well, uneventful day at uni other than that, just studying in the library. One more day and then it will be freedom, from 12.40pm tomorrow it's just 4 months of guitar, gym, work, and enjoying life as it is, enjoying the weather, company of friends. And then January 19th - February 10th Vietnam and Thailand! So stoked about it. Travelling with Phung and Allen, but that's only if Phung gets his shit together soon because he's going to the States with his family before coming to Vietnam. I am going to be buying one of those HD cams and just record the trip so watch this space after Feb with clips of us enjoying South East Asia.

The Weight of Regret

The highs aren't really my thing but the lyrics are what make the song strong.

Orange Colored Sky

Summer is on its way, the weather is picking up and its just great. Cannot wait for the 7th of November to come.

Immortal

And as the totem falls
The others will cry tonight
A single tomb placed in the middle
Break down the walls and watch it all
Sink into the earth once more

As the moon rises tonight
The flesh of the living will be consumed
By the dead they buried
Their own blood and kin
Joining their ranks once again

What energy radiates from this tomb
Is now surrounding this cursed ground
Corrupting the air they breathe
This concrete jungle breaks away into
The capital of the dead

None will live, all shall fall
To walk this earth as the dead
None will live, all shall fall
To walk this earth as the dead

Immortalised by their sin
Hunger for flesh is what drives them now
Cursed for their selfish acts
They'll never be full again

Guitaring procrastination

Today I was planning to wake up at 9.30am to go to uni and study. Instead I woke up at 11.30am, took my younger brother to play in the park for about 2 hours came back home and just played guitar all day. I started to learn how to play:

I know all the riffs now, but I am still yet to play the whole song in its entirety. So yeh tomorrow a new day, need to start studying.

Oh yeh got my 2b score for work. Fucking happy that I made it. If only uni's painful endeavours reaped rewards that are generated straight away it would help motivate me. Hmmm

Something

An old song that manages to find its way into my playlist. I am lost right now.

Dead Memories

Tonight was just... I don't know.. I was randomly browsing Youtube and there was a Simpsons' scene where Bart and Nelson are getting to fight MMA with the gloves and all and I thought I had to go watch that episode. I know my younger brother, Benson, has most/all of The Simpsons on his computer, so I went to search for it there. So I open up the different hard drives to find it, and I see a bunch of folders in one of them just casually browsing, and I see a folder with my name on it. I wasn't curious at first as I was just looking for the Simpsons.

I couldn't find it, and I was like "eh I'll just go check what is in this folder called 'Kevin'".. I open it up and it's like a flashback to the past, two folders are in there "New folder" and "New folder(2)", my memories flare up, I open "New folder (2)" and I knew it. It all came back to me what this was.. This was my old hard drive.. The one that died with my laptop.. In there memories I thought that died back in 2009. Amy. Pictures of her, chatlogs, and everything else in between. The hard drive that I thought was destroyed was salvaged and put into my younger brother's computer. And now once again they will be destroyed once more, all the photos, memories, songs and everything tied into that folder will all be deleted now.

I know sometime in the future Amy, we will speak again. It may be tomorrow, it may be next month, it may be next year, or the next five years. But whenever it is, I'll be happy to catch up with you.

The Hunter

My preorder for The Hunter - Mastodon finally came in yesterday! Even though though the album came out 2 weeks ago I refrained myself from listening to the album until I received it. I had only listened to the three singles extensively and was in love with them. Upon my first listen last night I was seriously excited, it was another masterpiece of an album. Even though its extremely different from their previous releases with it not being a concept album, the songs not as complex and intricate and being a lot shorter.. The Hunter seriously blew me away. This is a true Mastodon album, a great piece of art. It's going to be the album I am going to keep listening to day in and day out for a very long time and just in time too! Last time during exams, the album I kept listening to was Endgame - Megadeth, and that was when I first listened to it properly and just fell in love.

I cannot wait for 13 to be released by Megadeth, I have great expectations once again for it because of the two tracks they've released so far.

Pursue happiness with diligence.
This mantra was on the last track The Sparrow on The Hunter, it is the only line in the song, and it will be something I will follow.

After November 7th I will be free from uni. I have finally gotten over some of my stubbornness to never ask for help, and I will now be seeking for guitar lessons, and even singing lessons, yes singing lessons. My music, is my way of life, it is my passion and now I want to further progress in it. Sure it won't become a career, but I want to make the music I love, and give back to the community.

Exams are gay

The water drips at a steady rate
Right on time with the clock's second hand ticking
Time is of the essence, if we don't move quickly
There will be no going back
Freedom will never be tasted as it escapes our lips
Cheers to the demise of our filthy race
It will not survive as we have gone past expiration
Time to run humanity's hope into the ground
Crush their dreams and have them submit
All that was established will rot away
Ideals and beliefs shattered before them
The very core of our existence will mean nothing
Return to the soil where we born
Back to the stardust of our origins

Why do I long for this..

Woke up today with a whole wave of madness crashing down on me, was a really overwhelming feeling and its still lingering around right now.

Failure

After failing my first midsem a few weeks back and failing my first assignment for the sem I thought I was slowly back on track with it all as I just passed the second assignment and I thought I did well with my second midsem. Well I got back the marks for that midsem and I got 9.5/20.. I seriously thought I was going to get at least 15/20 or so.. And even though I've been failing all semester and feeling apathetic to it all this one just really pushed me, I thought I did extremely well for it, and even left the midsem early as I completed everything. Right now I am in the Menzies complabs trying to do this assignment due Thursday but I don't know how to do it, none of it passed the first question. Sigh, I was calculating to see what I would need to get on the exam to pass the unit if I don't do the two assignments left, and I would need to get 42/60 for the exam to just pass. That's getting a distinction for this.. and I thought "that wouldn't be too bad" and I went to check the past exam paper and it was damn impossible.

GG NO RE

Death was bestowed upon me

Slowly expanding throughout the darkness. The sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards have their thumbs on the hammer, and fingers ready to pull on the triggers. With the simple thought of going out in a bang. They are all cut down to their knees, blood spewing, and their intestinal matter seeping out. My execution, what I thought was to be the end, extended. The gleaming metallic blade emerging from the shadows. My would be saviour now turning the blade towards my throat ready to slice the jugular. He asks "Is this it? You've lead armies, won battles, conquered kingdoms. Yet you just kneeled their accepting your death?" Silence set upon me, I am not ready to die.

________________________________________________________________

Yeh I've been pretty bored for this whole midsem break. I haven't gone out for a while. I went swimming today though and my second/last cartilage piercing fell out. Not very happy about that at all. So I'll let it heal, and then get it all re-done again and hopefully get someone better to do it. Ahh work in 12 hours, I should sleep soon. I am planning to go overseas to Vietnam/Thailand with Phung and Allen. Thing is though I really need to talk to them in regards to booking shit up, I'll probably have to do it all myself in the end knowing those two. But at the same time, even though I really want to go overseas, I don't feel like it. Guess I'll just have to wait and see, even though I need to plan this stuff now haha...

Suffocate

I held onto the rocket, asphyxiated with the lack of oxygen. I am so close to reaching space but with no spacesuit on, the very shell of my being will perish. The earth behind me looking like a giant marble of blue and green. I can feel the cold air surrounding, slowly freezing my mortal shell. As the rocket pulls away towards the sun, the radiation burns deep, boiling my blood. My memories running by, the life I lead, all coming to a stop once I pass this point. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, say goodbye, don't let go.

Do you..

Do you remember that time? Under the stars, we were young and stupid back then. Do you still think of me? I walk around in this wasteland, and there will be something triggering memories, invoking thoughts of you. Its strange how everything is referenced back to something, be it good or bad. Just something from our life in the past. The past is what shapes us, but holding onto that past just kills you. Do I regret? Sometimes. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Everything that has happened has lead me to this point. Without anything I would be nothing. Without everything I wouldn't be anything. These scars that run deep into the abyss that is my soul are all stories and what we do with those scars shape the entity which we call ourselves.

I never did stop fighting, but I had to save myself even if it meant I had to let you go. If I didn't, I would have perished in the fire. I survived because the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me. I fell down into that dark chasm, but the flame burned on and on.

This is my life and my life alone.

Relief and pissed offedness - NEW TRAINING REGIME

I managed to survive this terrible week consisting of my assignment and midsem. Wednesday night couldn't had come any sooner, I was so fucking relieved of everything and I wanted to splurge because it was VIP night at Chaddy. We got there super late at 10pm and it was closing up in an hour, but I managed to score a really nice grey blazer from Witchery Men.

Now in regards to the pissed offness, as it was said from my previous entry about KRAs for next month. Well I just got my QC score back (quality control) I was going to get a 1 (the best score) because I got 100% for four calls... but on the last one... I failed instantly straight from the start, and because it was a Privacy Act breach all my 100%s meant nothing. I am so fucking pissed off about this, as KRAs are next month and I needed the 1 from QC to make sure I get the 2. Sigh.. I miss out on a 5% salary increase.. Will only be getting 3%.. and that's a lot for a year. It really shattered me because I was aiming to do well and everything.

On the other hand though, I did come first for kept rate stats for last week and I'll be getting a $50 Visa Debit card, pretty stoked about that, I know I'll be able to pull it off again this week, but one thing that is worrying me is because I failed QC I won't be getting the Visa Debit as something like this happened to one of my mates a few months back, he won three $50 Visa Debits for one month, but then wasn't awarded them because he failed QC, I completely understand how he feels...

I had another shitty experience at work today. I talked a bit last time about cancer patients using that against us, well this happened today right after I found out about failing QC. I was already feeling like shit already and I was trying to rationalise with the customer. He told me to cure leukaemia for him... Yeh I don't really have much more to say about that, just a huge low blow.

On other news the book I ordered last week also came through! Seven Deadly Sins, I got a hard cover of it and it was only $23 from The Book Depository, free shipping too! I've read the first two chapters so far and its pretty full on.

Hong's 22nd dinner tomorrow night Ishiya Stone Grill, the place looks awesome as and I can't wait. The thing is though, I've started my training again, and also dieting too. I want to lose this beer gut I have, problem at the moment is, I have lost 2kg. It may seem like an awesome thing but I want to keep muscle mass so I know I've burnt muscle too. What I need to do is start resistance training again with heavy weights, eat right and continue with my HIIT session on top too so that I actually burn fat. The main HIIT burpee training is getting easier too, so that means I need to start adding more into the main HIIT. At first it was do as many fucking burpees as I could, take a 1 minute break (then 1 minute 30 seconds top in the later sets until I reach about 120) then do another set and repeat, eventually aiming for at least 10 reps per set if I was dying. I then refined it to be, as many burpees as I can in 30 seconds, then a 30 second break, then another 30 second set until 20 minutes is up. After that I'd do mountain climbers until I died for 3-4 sets and then 2 sets of crunches with 100 reps.

The HIIT is the burpees, I will be refining my HIIT to be 30 seconds burpees, 15 seconds mountain climbers, 30 second rest and repeat, eventually reaching 30 seconds mountain climbers. I will only start this when I am able to do all (roughly 120-130) burpees in full proper form. After a while when I find it too easy I will be adding in squat jumps into it too. Yes I will die because of this. Yes this work out is insane but it works. The only way to train is mind over matter, you can achieve anything that you set yourself out to. If you want results, you need goals. My goal is to lose my beer gut and have by summertime at least my six pack showing. The main problem I face now is losing my muscle mass, so I will be starting again with my 4-7 training routine AND hopefully this time I will do it safely and not hurt my back like I did a few months back causing me not to train for quite a long time, and thus causing this huge beer gut to form ._.

Procrastination leads to this

I am currently procrastinating damn assignment and midsem this week. I have downloaded the Eviews for my assignment and it's all buggy, keeps crashing, and I can't find any other cracks sigh.. Can't work on it tonight, so I'll have to work on it tomorrow at uni. So my midsem is 10 multichoice, and two calculation questions.. Our tutor has already gone through it, I feel alright for it.. but I haven't really touched on it too much. I don't want a repeat of 2 weeks back with the advance corporate finance midsem. It's not so bad since 1/20 passed, so I don't feel bad about it.

I went to see a course adviser earlier this week, as I had lost all motivation in uni, just to make it look like I was still interested in everything and was worried about how I am going. With the amount of times I've failed and completely flunked a unit, my average is standing at 48. Yep I'm averaging a fail at the moment. I was told I have only have two core units left to do and five electives. It's pretty sweet, with two of those electives being first year units! Only problem is, will I even pass this semester. With the amount of procrastination and lack of motivation I just don't do a thing. Like this whole day I've been trying to work on a program that keeps crashing only to feel like I've done something, when in fact I haven't really progressed. So I'll be at the computer labs tomorrow from 9am-9pm trying to finish this assignment hand it in, and hopefully pass this time around unlike the 36% I got on the first assignment.

After Wednesday though, I should be free! But then I'd probably have another assignment to do. But no more midsems, so its not too bad. Just hoping for my awesome cramming skills to get me to pass again this sem, so I really need to put in the work again. Shame that passing won't really help my average that much. But yes Chaddy VIP night on Wednesday so I'll be popping by after my midsem for some much needed R and R. I have still got that $160 Coles-Myer gift card from the chocolate product tasting to use. I also just ordered online Corey Taylor's autobiography - The Seven Deadly Sins. So that will be a good read.

I am currently dominating work. After last month's "I am going to beat you Parama" and falling half way down into the bottom. October is when our KRAs/six month review is. I am hoping for a 2B or even a 2A for a very nice pay rise. Only way for that A though is to put shit loads of work into work. I'm pretty much stuck with a 2, won't be able to increase that into a 1, unless I am somehow able to increase all my stats in the next 2-3 weeks. Its so weird with having everyone in my team gone, except for Dan, everyone else has just come in this year. I've been in the same place since January 2010, so 1 year 8 months. In my training group, Leigh got fired after six months, Sophia left to Hit Squad/Mid Delinquency after 7-8months and now is in Legal/Late Stage after, Louise moved to inbound a few months back, and now Leo and Hannah both moved to Late Stage together. I am still here in Early Stage with Ken, but its actually pretty sweet, being the most, well second most experienced person on my team, I get all the perks of floor walking, buddying, training, and more time off the phone. But, its time to move on, so after this semester of uni I will be applying for Legal/Late Stage, or Skips tracing; both of these being an equal in pay rise, about $3800 increase in salary.

I know this isn't going to sound too good, due to increasing costs and everything, but money isn't really an issue with me anymore. I earn too much for what little I do, it may seem like I am complaining, but I am not. I am able to do most things, due to this. Price for food and little services never bug me. I'm used to buying lunch for about $12 for 5 days a week. That's $60 all on food, I could be saving shit loads if I didn't buy food for uni/work. With fuel, I don't care if its on the cheapest day of the week or not. If fuel is $1.29/L or if fuel is $1.45/L it doesn't really matter. I'll be more likely to buy fuel when its $1.29/L, but if its $1.45/L on that day it doesn't bug me at all. I am already driving a super fuel efficient car, driving about 300-450km per week and only spending $40-$50 per week or even per fortnight if I'm not driving that much. I could be taking public transport and saving so much more too, I have to pay for parking at work, which is $8.50 per day. A blue parking permit for uni is actually worth it though for $360, it's only $4.60 per day, as I'm only at uni 3 days a week for 26 weeks.

These are my general expenses for every day living. It is seriously fucking great to be earning this much, and still living at home as I don't have to pay for a mortgage or rent. But I am helping out my parents, paying for the utilities - gas, electricity and water, car insurance and rego. I am able to save up so much, and I am not a materialistic person so I never really spend beyond my needs. Never at the point of living between pay to pay. To be honest, I'm not sure what sparked this out of me to start ranting about my financial situation.. it seems extremely egotistic, and self centred. Its probably due to the six month review next month, and I actually can't wait to see how I am going. Even with intra-day stats coming out daily, showing my performance. It'll be great to see that reflected in an actual proper report.

This job though, I am a debt collector, is not very glamorous (kinda is, I'll explain later), and not very pretty. You have customers scream at you, swear at you, abuse you, and they are all ignorant to the fact that you do indeed understand them and know what it is like to be in their position. I have had people break down on me, cancer patients threaten me - yes cancer patients who use their illness as a means to threaten, and expect us to sympathise with them when they are the ones who at first lash out. Old people who do not understand how credit cards work, even 18 year olds with maxed out credit cards not knowing about interest, monthly repayments, monthly fees, and the fact that some are willing to go bankrupt so the debt disappears without knowing the consequences is just crazy then again there are actual adults of middle age who know nothing on credit cards. Better yet some of our own staff in other departments with credit cards that fall into collections too, some even defaulting on their repayments is just atrocious.

You get customers starts to crack the shits at you because their credit card was automatically suspended due to them missing their repayment. Or for "us" allowing their credit cards to go over the limit. It is in their terms and conditions, which many people I assume have not read, a credit card is a very serious responsibility, which unfortunately a lot of people seem to abuse. You can't use your phone if you didn't pay for your phone bill, you can't use your utilities if you haven't paid for them, so what makes a credit card any different? It's not free money, its a loan that you have applied with the bank, and its in your duty to keep it in order. We certainly give sufficient warning about suspending accounts, that's what your monthly statement is there for, for you to see where your account is at, how much interest you have been charged, how much you need to pay at least, and your transactions. If you don't think monthly statements are sufficient, then fucking apply for interest banking and you'll be able to monitor your account every day. I just can't stress enough that your credit card maintenance is your responsibility, the bank isn't their to wipe your bottom.

The sad thing is, I have become jaded to it all, after the first two months you become so used to it, and think that everyone who has their credit card in collection is a major douchebag/bitch, but then you get those customers who actually make you feel good about yourself, and understand why they are being called, who actually make their repayments, who understand their debt and appreciate the call, they are the ones who make the job some what fulfilling. A bank is a business too that needs to make a profit, unpaid debts costs the banks a lot, so we're here to help the bank not lose money. And we actually do help customers get their shit sorted, some are in collections for so long but never speak up about issues they are having with their finances, if you are struggling we are actually there to help. We are not heartless, because everyone deserves a chance, but unfortunately once you blow those chances, its very hard to crawl back out. In the end though you can't be proud with it. But any job at all is seriously worth doing well.

Working here though, with all the perks and rewards we get, it is a big incentive. We get shitloads of work parties, with a free flow of beer and wine on the tab. Our last party was just two weeks ago. You get rewarded for performing well, raffle draws for working overtime, prizes in the past included 55inch plasma TVs, PS3s, Xbox 360s, Wiis, iPad 2s, cameras, movie tickets, $300 Visa Debits. The weekly prizes are $50 Visa Debit cards. R and R (recognise and reward) is a monthly one hour celebration. We get to nominate our peers for helping out the team, it is actually great to help people get rewarded for going above and beyond. They provide us free food and drinks just for working. Teams earn money weekly for performing well, and if you come in the top 2-3 you get that money, which goes forward to your own team events. There's 6 teams in early stage, so there's a lot of competition going around for the money. I haven't won anything myself yet, only just my team coming in the top 3.

Its a shame that I can't apply "a job worth doing is worth doing well" to uni. Uni is worth doing well, and I am not a very good student. I thought I did mature and grow up in regards to uni because of last semester, but now everything is different. I have decided that I do need to finish this degree. So I might as well do it well, although I have procrastinated for the last 7-8 weeks. Its something I need to change before its too late.

In a previous post, I wrote about my perception of reality, viewing the world in the terms of Fallout. Well I'm glad that that is over now. It was seriously such a mess to perceive the world in that way. I am currently writing a song about Fallout though, I am taking a very different approach to it as with all of my other songs I just get an idea and write and publish in a matter of 10-30minutes. This is taking time and thought, because I want this to turn out very well. See once again why can't I have that with uni ahhhp.

I have written so much in this entry, but I just had so much I needed to get out.

Whitechapel

Ok this is my 100th post in this blog. Didn't think it would last this long to be honest haha. Well this in this post, Phil Bozeman of Whitechapel posted on his Facebook the meaning of all of their songs on each album so I'll be posting all of those from start to end. The lyrics are amazing, and the meaning behind them are pretty strong too (for some songs). This is going to be an extremely long post, this band, along with a few others have really influenced the way I write.

The Somatic Defilement
The Somatic Defilement is a concept album "based" on Jack The Ripper. Which a lot is fairy tale songs.

The Somatic Defilement - This song is a fabrication of the mind of Jack The Ripper. This song puts the work of him with the work of many serial killers. They crave power through the dead.

Devirgination Studies - This song is along the same lines but goes off the theme of female driven killers, much like Jack The Ripper. Again, this is me putting myself in their head.

Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation - Again, this song is driven by female serial killers. The power they feel and long for is explained through sexual pleasures that they have at their disposal.

Fairy Fay - In this song, the story of Fairy Fay, a woman murdered but never proven to be one of his victims. Some say she never existed and this is a fabrication of the murder. Hence the line "This confidential lick of my tongue will be taken to the grave and never be seen again."

Alone in The Morgue - This song has nothing to do with Jack The Ripper, this song is a simple song about a coroner who is a demented necrophiliac. The song speaks for itself.

Ear to Ear - Again, the song speaks for itself. Pretty much every victim had their throats cut and severed violently by Jack The Ripper.

Festering Fiesta - This song focuses on more of a Jeffery Dahmer approach. His collection of rotting bodies were his keepsake for his work. Beyond the point of disgusting.

Articulo Mortis - The term means "in the moment of death." This song is a fabrication of Jack The Ripper experiencing that moment of death with his victim and conversing with them and feelings of remorse for what he has done.

Vicer Exciser - This song is about a killer who thrives off watching his victim suffer and bring them to the point of being on the brink of death but can keep them alive and aware of what is going on while they are slowly killed. The title means "a bad habit to cut".

This Is Exile
This Is Exile is a concept album of the fall of evil. This album is not about Satan or anything of the sort! Many of you question my religion, I don't follow religion but I am a believer of God! I am not here to judge, I am here to let you know about me and my work and how I feel. I'm not saying you must believe what I do, that is your decision.

Father of Lies - This is the beginning, where it all started. This is the failure of a certain being and how his lust for power corrupts him to corrupt what he once believed. This is the tragedy of his betrayal. Again, these are fictional characters.

This Is Exile - This song is a sad outlook for the fallen one. Exiled to darkness and eternal torment, much like how we treat ourselves. A place where we destroy ourselves. A place where happiness is obsolete.

Possession - This song portrays the deviant mind of the harvester of evil and how it is used by us to create a dark future. We let our minds be controlled because we refuse to control it.

To All That Are Dead - This song is about how the restless dead and the tortured souls are used as pawns by people who choose to be evil. This song portrays the people who chose to be tortured and the hurt it causes to those who were loved by them.

Exalt - This song is about cults. Cults are usually evil groups of people who follow a certain belief. This song portrays the madness and corruption they have on a person/people. Believe in yourself and what's true in your heart, not what someone brainwashes you and tells you to believe.

Somatically Incorrect - The title is a play on words of the term "grammatically incorrect." Referring back to the first album title. This song is about the anatomy of us as a species and how we adapt to what we surround ourselves with. The mind is a powerful tool that is easily misused.

Daemon(The Procreated) - Again, this song is not about Satan or anything religious. This song is about letting yourself be created as a demon to cause pain and suffering on others. This is where the third character comes into play. A pawn for evil.

Death Becomes Him - The title refers to "Daemon" being destroyed. The weakness of his mind and inability to control it has led to his demise. The music is depressing and dark, just like he left this world.

Eternal Refuge - This song is about the hypocrites of this world who choose to live a life of pain but portray that they're existence is innocent. People who are constantly seeking refuge for their actions and judgmental actions towards innocent people. Evil will consume you and make you think you're invincible.

Of Legions - The title refers to an army of individuals, not that of the Roman army but of us as a species. This song has the feel of an epic march to free ourselves from darkness and eternal suffering.

Messiahbolical - This song is about false prophets and how they will do anything and everything to corrupt their followers. In the end, if you live a life of deceit, you will never be happy. If you fail yourself, you fail everything and everyone.

A New Era of Corruption.
This album is more about my life and personal experiences. It also portrays my views on reality. In a nutshell, this album is about my life and who I have come to be.

Devolver - This song is about how I felt when my father and mother died. I felt as if I was devolving and losing my mind. I lost my faith and my beliefs. I hated everyone. I felt like I was beginning a new era of corruption in my life. My step father fed me lies and hippocratic oaths. I let evil take me over.

Breeding Violence - Again, this song is me. Once a man, now a beast. My mind corrupted by hypocrisy. This is me during the time of my loss of my parents and what I let myself become. My step father was breeding violence into me and I let him. I felt helpless. I was a threat to the future of my mortality.

The Darkest Day of Man - This song is about how easily people are fooled and how gullible they are. People will believe almost everything they're told. Trust yourself and believe what is true in your heart. These are our darkest days and we are letting it happen. This also portrays a tyrant taking advantage of that.

Reprogrammed to Hate - This song goes back to my personal life during my dark days as a teenager. I let my step father essentially reprogram my mind to be something I wasn't. This is me speaking to him and him speaking to me.

End of Flesh - This song is my journey into darkness and how I was alive and well but what I was born into was dead to me. I was pretty much becoming Anakin Skywalker hahaha.

Unnerving - This song is about my mother and her schizophrenic period. My mom had a notebook that she would write disturbing things. My mom had multiple personalities and this song is about her personalities tearing her down. The term "God" in this song is referring to her personalities making her believe that they are "God".

A Future Corrupt - This is me letting evil corrupt my future. Destroying my youth, my faith and making me think that evil is my resort for happiness. This was me pretending to be a tyrant when I was a kid.

Prayer of Mockery - This song is portrays my disbelief in God after everything that happened to me. I was angry and consuming myself with evil and darkness. This is what I let myself become and what I was, and I am not proud of it. All that has changed now but I still remember and will never forget what I was letting myself slip into.

Murder Sermon - This is the song I wrote about killing my step-father after his lies, deceit and promises he made. He brought religion into it and was completely hypocritical about it. He got my mom addicted to crack which eventually led to her death. This was a dream I had of killing him and shoving his religion down his throat that he preached. Another thing I am not proud of.

Necro-mechanical - This song is about us as drones to life and how we let ourselves become what we could easily control. This is another dream of mine awaking as a machine and controlled by someone else. It was beyond frightening.

Single File to Dehumanization - Yet another dream I had.
All I remember was being in a line of people that didn't end and I was unaware of where I was going but I couldn't get out of the line. To this day, I have no explanation for the dream. This is also to do with how it seems in real life.

What do

When the curtains fall
A deep sigh of relief is released
How long will you put up with this façade?
Lying to yourself to hold onto to this godless endeavour
Maybe its time you call it quits
Throw in the towel and hang up the gloves
With one more year left though
So close to the finish line
_________________________________________________________________________

With my current marks though, the chances of me getting a graduate position is slim to none. I've failed too much and done too little. I have no motivation at all this semester. It is retarded, with last semester I stressed and worried about how I did, and now here I am at the point of not caring. One of my mates, Leo, told me I should transfer to RMIT with him to do Property and Valuation just like the Street brothers are. Should I take this offer, because it'll be commerce all over again, but obviously more specified and easier than here, or should I change into engineering, or stay in Monash continuing with commerce or even do part time study with the consequence of staying longer and paying full fees, or the worst case scenario... drop out..

I could always take a gap year, work, travel, find my state of mind and get back to study. But there is obviously that huge massive chance of me just not returning to study, which is something I do not want as I need to get a degree.

Here's to passing

Hope and despair
As I sit here studying the ancient craft
A demon bestowed upon me
My freedom for my soul
Or was it an angel who granted me
Infinite power and knowledge
To grow wings and fly away
Into the nether
Escape from this reality and form my own

I stare out the window
The blue clear skies
Calling for me to take flight
And leave my mortal bounds
Of this human body
Become what I really am
Am I a hell spawn?
Or an angel?
No mirrors reflect what's inside
My shell disguising every image

Is there any hope for me?
Or is it all just despair?
They all see me in my projected image
Of what I want to be
Maybe that is who I am
I am who I want to be
And I will continue to grow
Be it angel or be it hell spawn
I am alpha, and I am omega
You can never define me
I am one, and I am all
No walls to bind me
No doubt to pin me

I shall embrace hope and despair
These are my two weapons

___________________________________________________________

Currently trying to study for my midsem but as you can see I am procrastinating. I'm finding it hard to take in what I am doing, but at the same time, I know it? Well I see it and I know it, but I don't know if I can retain the information for the next few hours. Maybe I am starting to stress now, which is a good sign but I'm not too sure. 6.30pm is judgement time.

The future

I do not understand the chemicals swirling around. All the colours and shapes. Everything is such a blur. What is happening right now? Actually nothing is happening right now. I got back my first assignment of the semester.
I failed.
Its retarded because I don't care, and I have got a midsem this Thursday and I am not stressing about that. I should care, and I should be stressing, but I am beyond that point at the moment. I'm not sure what I want to do at the moment. I still want to go to uni and I still want to work. I thought I was back on track after last semester. But it seems like my mid year break didn't really do anything for me, except want a longer holiday.

So where is my mind right now then? I just want to have fun. Gaming, eating, drinking, exploring, expanding, conquering the world and leaving my mark on it. I had dinner with Hong last night, and he told me engineering isn't for him and that he would see himself as an accountant. This is the same for me, I don't see myself working in the finance world. I'd much prefer to be an engineer, but stupid me 3 years back decided to ragequitted from the maths and science. Its too late for me now, so I need to finish this degree, and if I really want to.... do engineering later down the track.

I have lost the game

I can never hate her. Its so strange having life go back to normal. I'm back to where I was before we spoke, but.. There's emptiness too. I am happy, yet.. there is still that emptiness sitting right in the middle of it. I have lost the game. I am actually missing her haha. Life goes on though, and she'll probably never speak to me again.

Just pre-ordered one!

No regrets, no compromise

Such nice melodic singing..

Food is where the mouth is

Hey everybody, do you know what I love? Eating a good hearty meal with friends. Had Korean BBQ with Ben tonight, brought back heaps of memories from Korea, missing the good food and people.

Space Bound

It was Vanessa's 21st on Friday. I was pretty nervous going, each day approaching it, I kept changing my mind whether or not to go. Ended up deciding to go and missed my train. As I get out of the tram I see Fan and Angie, but they don't see me so I approached them from behind and say hi. Fan was super excited to see me after such a long time. We walk towards Alumbra and meet Vanessa and her friends.. Meeting new people isn't exactly one of my fortes, but hey I tried.

Vanessa tells me I have to line up in the guest list line because her VIP line is full. I'm there with a few of her friends, and introduce myself to them. As we're talking, the bouncer pulls me aside and starts telling me we can't go in. I was like "What, why? We're on the guest list" and then he starts talking about how the club is going to be full (we're there at 10pm, one of the very first lining up) and that the "eye in the sky" while pointing at the camera are only letting regulars in. From that moment on I knew he was bullshitting. Kev was there as a promoter tried to speak to the bouncer for me to tell him to let me in, but to no avail. So we were forced to get out of the line and I'm just standing there dumbfounded, what the fuck happened. Kev comes out and he tells me it was probably the fact that I just cut my hair and the piercings, got a mohawk now, shaved sides and a lame arse ratty that I need to get cut.

Haha god first time getting barred from a club. Well I guess that's something to tick off my to-do-list. I told Vanessa and Fan what happened, said it was nice seeing them again but I'll be going home. Kev told me James decided to come tonight, so I tell James I got barred and we decided to just have a few drinks for the night. It was good to catch up with him again.

Mm life.. I keep thinking about the world ending/post apocalypse. Its most likely from reading too much Fallout lore. Everything I see, I think about how I could use it to survive. My wardrobe, what clothes would be durable/practical. The only things were my thermals, and leather jacket.. Slim fit jeans ain't gonna cut it. And shoes.. god the shoes.. a pair of Vans with no grip, two pairs of dress shoes, and a pair of Zara casual shoes. I need to get a pair of steel capped hiking boots and some cargo pants. Weapons in my room: nunchaks, dumbbell bars.. But of course I am not entirely deluded from reality, thank god for that. Random how quickly this blog went from my fail Friday night to talking about my equipment to survive post apocalypse...

I did my best but my work went unnoticed. A lot of things from the past opened up again over this whole week. Life is back to boring now. In my mind though, I wonder when it'll get shaken up again with an unexpected hello from a new stranger or a ghost from the past.


I remember watching this a few months ago when it was released. And I'm watching it again right now. Yeh this blog is everywhere. I just want to keep writing, so I will no matter how incoherent it may get.

Everything is super quiet right now. Nothing is invoking thoughts. Its 1.14am and I don't want to go to uni tomorrow. I felt like that last week after Monday, I really didn't want to got to uni at all, but I some how did. I didn't wag a single tute or lecture at all. My first assignment is due this coming Thursday, I haven't started it but I will tomorrow. Stress for uni hasn't kicked in just yet.

Its funny for so long, so many years I wanted the voices to quiet down and stop talking. But now that I am here.. Its too quiet, I wish that they were still talking. Life is just too ordinary at the moment. Too bland, plain, tasteless. Sigh, guess I am going to wrap it up here.

Ain't that a kick in the head

Ahh this song is seriously a timeless classic, loving this stuff. Everything from The Golden Age was amazing. Would've been great to live during then.

Hesitate

I pull the gun out of my mouth, I'm not gonna go down like this.
So I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore"
There's so much more at the stake and I can't let this bring me down.
So goodbye again. You know I'll be back though.

Amy's Song

There's times in life when you don't know what to do.

I have lost that game too many times before

currently in the uni car park at the moment. waiting for traffic to die down.. even though its 6.20 as I'm writing this there's too many cars waiting to get out.
It just replays through my head at the moment. What can we do though? Can't have it both ways. I fought so hard in the past, and now its the same situation again I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. All those messages lost in translation. Its never too late though. I want you to stay in my life. I don't want to ever lose you again.

08/08/2011 - 12.34AM The Wish

All I know is, I don't want to compromise any more. I don't want to be put in the back. I don't want to step aside, let them walk all over me. So I take this stand, I don't want to be forgotten and left in the waste.

Take me as I am. Bonds that faltered, yet never broke. Standing over the cliff edge where I wait. The land of the south, and the land of the north. Separating everything in between. Situations and complications. The big decision. Sporadic thoughts racing through. Here in and here out.

Things could've been so different. Always keep fighting for what is right. Never give up. So that's why I fight now, won't back down. Won't take no for an answer. I almost walked away again, about to carry on with life trying to ignore that something had happened. I couldn't. Couldn't walk away. What was lost, is found. And I don't want to lose again. I've lost too much to let go.

I left a message back then. Maybe it did echo through the ages and left a mark. Left a seed that just grew and grew. Leading us to this point.
The one wish tonight. If it doesn't come true, I'm coming to find you.

This is my sacrifice for you

Guess its goodbye again. It was nice while it lasted.
edit:

It's strange, saying goodbye forever, to a best friend again that I haven't spoken to in a very long time. If you ever see this, this is dedicated to you.

edit 2:

just remembered this song from Scrubs

Update on life

So an update on life as it is right now. I am doing fine, my mind is in a good place at the moment. I haven't been kicked out of uni, just yet.. haha I actually passed all my units last semester I was so fucking stoked when I opened results to see all three units were passes.

In regards to work, I was offered a "promotion" at work, but me being the lazy bastard I am decided not to take up on it because I didn't have my resume ready. A friend of mine actually applied for the job and got it, regretting it so much now that I didn't actually apply for it, a pay rise would have been nice.

Life in general. I am happy, sure I don't have much going on, but I am actually content with everything. Friendship circle has grown smaller but I don't mind. I am finding myself in a more loner status but once again super content with that, I can't possibly ask for any more. In regards of where I want to lead my life. I want to be a rock star (if only), but really I want to be a humanitarian, philanthropist, saving the world, saving humanity from what it has become.

How I am going to achieve that, I don't know. And it may seem extremely weird that I want this, because as you can see, with all the songs I have been writing they are all nihilistic (believing that nothing exists and there is no point to life), about war, violence, destruction and what not, I want the exact opposite to happen to this world. I want to leave my mark, do my part and hopefully it'll influence the world. Look at the current world right now, a massacre in Norway does not get much coverage compared to the death of a crackwhore, its just plain retarded. The US Debt crisis, as well, it's pretty fucking scary thinking about what would happen to world if the US defaults - the economy will go into a depression, which may be possibly worse than that of 1929. I won't be able to do much to influence that situation though. If the US prints more money, then that will just cause the foreign exchange market to be flooded with USD causing it to depreciate, and causing further problems for the economy.

But I digress, I am working towards a better me still, such a work in progress ._. Hahaha a masterpiece cannot be rushed, and the vision will always change. I am good. I would always say "I am something" when I did not want to share what I was really feeling, or when I felt nothing or just felt like utter shit. But today I can claim that I am good, feeling great. I have overcome a mountain of problems in my life, and I know I will hit a stop some day eventually, but it won't become a meltdown that has been the last few years of my life. I've been able to grasp onto concepts and thoughts that plagued my mind over the last few years. I have accepted that I am me, and that I am happy with who I am and to no longer be that insecure young boy I was back then. After all no one wants to be around a depressed person who isn't up for anything, a killjoy who sucks the mood out of the room, the misanthrope who didn't trust humanity. I am sorry for all the times I did that. Taking pity upon myself, and being consumed in the darkness inside. That is pretty much in the past now.

I know someone is worried about me, so I posted this up in regards to everything. I want them to know that I am good. That they shouldn't worry about me. I hope they are okay too, and hopefully they'll be able to contact me when they can without consequences.

Edit: didn't think this would be such a long post hahaha. Fuck need to stop procrastinating and continue with my tute work..

Our time is now

Cast your fears away
Its time to face the demon inside
You know there's no time like tomorrow
Waiting for the sunrise
We're gonna get up and stop this war tonight
Its in your eyes, you want to let it all go
Fight for all of our lives
No one will take this moment away from us

Just stand up and fight
We will never back down
This is our time
Just stand up and fight
We will never back down
This is our time

The power is in us all
No negative feelings to keep me down
Because everything will be okay
Fighting for the sunrise
The battle wages on with the fire burning inside
With this brand new strength lifting me up
Beyond the great divide
No one will take this moment away from us

Just stand up and fight
We will never back down
This is our time
Just stand up and fight
We will never back down
This is our time

Crack the sky and watch the blood pour
Crack the clouds and watch the rising sun
Freedom awaits

Just stand up and fight
We will never back down
This is our time

Our time is now

I can rap

The beat is too real
The bass surreal
When you grab life by the balls
Forget what you feel
I ain't gonna tell you how it is
I'm gonna show you what you messing with
Done my time with my evil deeds
Locked up frozen up
Don't you fucking kid with me

The next big thing on the scene
Ain't no one else like me
Rhymes be spilling
Tales be telling
The legend of Mortifyd
When did you get stupefied?

___________________________________________

Been listening to some hip hop/rap lately and I guess its effect just rubbed off on me. This was made up on the spot, I don't know how to critique it myself haha it's probably just really shit.

Warped dreams

I have been having the most weirdest dreams for the last few nights. Last night's dream though, was kinda nice for a change, and sort of nostalgic? It felt great, special but at the same time just completely weird, not sure if it is devoid of reality, it could possibly happen in real life.

I am gonna get kicked out of uni aren't I

Depressed, fucking exam..

When its dog eat dog you are what you eat

There comes a time when you lose yourself in everything that you fear. Engulfed in flames, cleansed by the fire.
I have been baptised twice
Once in water, once in flame
I am the right hand of the Lord and the instrument of his vengeance
___________________________________________________

So I had my first exam in over a year today. Went a lot better than I anticipated, stressed quite a lot yesterday and this morning before it. When reading time started I almost died, because the exam was completely different to the two previous ones. But as I was doing it, I actually knew what I was doing and understood it. So hoping for a pass.

What's on my mind:
This is a trivial matter, and it may seem selfish, self absorbed whatever. I have been feeling this for quite a while too. I turned 21 not too long ago in April, I didn't celebrate it as I didn't feel like it but that is besides the point. I was looking forward to what my friends would be getting me, as last year a lot of us have been turning 21 and everyone getting extravagant gifts. I was pretty damn excited in what my friends would get me.

I ended up with a wallet, a hip-flask and a novelty mug. I tried to be happy with what they gave me, after all a present is a present, it's the thought that counts.. But after all the huge gifts we got people last year, like netbooks, a PS3, a $1000 camera, LCD monitors, a huge drink up in a hotel. I was lead down to disappointment. The only gift that I am using is the novelty mug, the wallet is just sitting there collecting dust.

Why am I bringing all this up now? Well with the influx of more birthdays happening, its all like "I asked such and such what they wanted, lets put thought into this, I think he wants to get this" etc etc. And I'm just standing there thinking, well no one asked me what I wanted. Did they ever ask Kevin "do you want a new bag? a new jacket? Alcohol? Games? DVDs? Albums? Technological peripherals?" nah we will just settle on getting you a goddamn Oroton wallet just because its branded. Well I just bought a wallet about 6 months ago with you guys while overseas in Korea, pretty sure I don't need another one any time soon. Too be honest I thought I made it clear new headphones would be great as my old ones broke a month before my birthday and I was using my crappy Logitech headset that I have been lugging around uni.

Yes I am not happy with what I got, I never said anything before to anyone because I thought I shouldn't be disappointed, mad, and not satisfied with what I got and be happy. Its just fucking pisses me off. Pretty much been there for everything, in the past, helping people buy what they want, helping decide what to get.

God fucking damnit.

If I was to sink my teeth into your eye right now, would you be able to stop me before I blinded you?

I will become the destroyer of lives
Destined to survive the end of this world
The corruption and disruption of the balance of power
A war of eternal struggle, the martyrs nailed on their crosses
The very cause you die for will not set you free

I will be become the destroyer of faith
Governed by laws not known to man
Whispering into the president's ear
Fear, Hate, Cleanse, Eradicate
You will start the new war to end this era of dissolution
Wipe their slates clean

I will become the destroyer of humanity
With billions sacrificed
Bring forth darkness, nihilism
Become slaves of the unknown
Bestial nature no longer suppressed
The lust for blood rising again in us all
Feasting on each others flesh

Violence will be our only instinct
__________________________________________________________________________________
This all inspired by this scene in Shutter Island
Warden: Did you enjoy God's latest gift?
Teddy Daniels: What?
Warden: God's gift. Your violence.
[Daniels looks at him blankly]
Warden: When I came downstairs in my home, and I saw that tree in my living room, it reached out for me... a divine hand. God loves violence.
Teddy Daniels: I... I hadn't noticed.
Warden: Sure you have. Why else would there be so much of it? It's in us. It's what we are. We wage war, we burn sacrifices, and pillage and plunder and tear at the flesh of our brothers. And why? Because God gave us violence to wage in his honor.
Teddy Daniels: I thought God gave us moral order.
Warden: There's no moral order as pure as this storm. There's no moral order at all. There's just this: can my violence conquer yours?

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I lose you

I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew

If you only knew how many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew how I refuse to let you go
Even when you're gone

I don't regret any days I spent
Nights we shared or letters that I sent

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew, if you only knew

I still hold onto the letters you returned
You helped me live and learn

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
Believe in is you, I still believe in you,
If you only knew

No one else can save me but you

This week is not so ordinary, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. Is uni work all there is? Once this semester is over I am not sure what to do next. There's a lot of things I need to catch up on, and find out where I stand in this universe. The worth of my grain.

Seek and you will find my child
The very thing that you've travelled to find
A place of solitude, where you belong
With a leap of faith, where will you land?
Hold on tight and it will be over soon
Your conscious thoughts will disappear
The obscurities will fade
The blinding mist becomes your medium of perception
Your need for eyes are gone
Able to see what the world really is
No longer deluded by false gods
That controlled your life for so long
Are you ready?
Are you ready to take this chance?
To let it all go and find what you're searching for

honesty

I'll be honest, not happy today.

Don't worry, we got this

I feel strange at the moment. It is all just so frantic and jittery. A lot of commotion, thoughts jumping from one place to another. I am not too sure what to do right now actually. Its 12.55am right now and for some reason the lights in my room "appear" like sunlight and it is just tricking my body that it is still in the afternoon. I cannot walk anymore, my will to go on is stumbling. So I guess its anxiety that I am feeling then. Hah.. back here again..

Disappear

Stopping everything in front of me
What do I see? Things that aren't there
What do I want to see?
Something that shouldn't exist
Impossible, Implausible thoughts
Never again

There's no escape

Release the wolves
Gather the fiends
Hunt him down
This abomination needs to die
He has the mark of the abyss
One of our own

Feast on his bones
Wipe out his individuality
He shall return back the Legion
Crucified, decimated..
The Wrath of Xel

He will be reborn
He will be purged
Cleansed and made pure
The profligate being that he became
Will die
The dissolute shall fall

With eyes everywhere
No one can hide
We are within the midst of society
The wolves will bring you back
Broken
The excuse of a living being
You will be crushed
The ravens will feast
On your rotting corpse

Synopsis

Just a little recap of what has been happening lately. I've been writing this concept album/story thing over the last few weeks. So they do intertwine. I don't know if its good or not, but I definitely do enjoy writing what it. Its sort of like a fantasy escape. With all this creativity that is coming out I need an outlet for it. All I do is just sit down and start to write and it all just flows out. So yeh the general synopsis is about a guy, who is trying to find out who he is, what's his purpose on this world. He is a part of the Army of Xel, a cult connected to another world. His lust, cravings for torture, rape, murder, blood he tries to stop them as he realises that its not what he wants, but rather the Dark Passenger, the immortal being that rides in the hosts bodies. He hopes to escape it, thinking he does have control over it, but in the end fails and kills himself. Thinking he is free. But is he really? He was already dead from the start, Xel rose the dead and he was a part of them. Can the dead really rest? This is a work in progress, not sure how it'll end.

All within my hands

This bitter hatred for what you are
Have you forgotten where lies your roots?
Betrayed the brotherhood
The only true family you had
What compels you now?
What pushes you to continue on this godless endeavour?

Silence
I grew tired of it all
I had to escape from the world
To find myself in the chaos
All of these voices shouting my head
Telling me of things that weren't there
They lust for blood, pain, torture
Death

But can't you see, this is what it is to be you
You cannot deny any further
Accept your fate you useless piece of shit
You will never be free
These chains that bind
These bonds that lock
You will always be a part of it all
This ship you sail is headed for the rocks

But I will survive
There is hope
That is all I have
I won't let that go

Set out for sea

I am not scared anymore
The little boy that I once was is gone
No more cowering in the shadows
Taking action
Never going to wait again
The road is steady
Challenges await for me
My aim is ready
My vision is clear
This is life that I lead
I am the captain of this ship
Stand proud and tall
This is who you are
Wear this flag high

Damn nature, you scary

Does this feel familiar?
What a mess of a world we live in
Dying slowly, humanity has expanded too thinly
They try to control it all
No one can save the weak
Left behind in this bitter wake
The Earth cracked open
Swallowed them whole
The ocean engulfed this city
Such a pitiful sight
The empire that once stood
The Land of The Rising Sun
Crawling on its knees

Vocal Cover numero uno

Ahhh feel really nervous to upload this.. I really want to post it onto facebook, but at the same time right now I don't want to. So I'll just post it here. The description:
First recorded vocal cover. Took me a while to learn, its still actually quite hard getting the breathing right for the song, also the timing I was a off for some bits. Hope it was good. Still not so happy about my highs either, getting better though as I never used to work on them. Sounds a bit throaty at some points. You can hear my lungs struggling for the ending of the song. These are unedited vocals just microphone directly through to laptop so no amp. I think I had about 20 different takes over the last three weeks for this song. Slowly tweaking it until I got something satisfactory
The Darkest Day of Man (vocal cover) by Mortifyd

We are the disease

We are the disease
Blood born infection
The resurrected troops of a fallen race
Animated dead of Xel
Divide et impera
Veni, vidi, vici
This monolithic civilization
Rising to power
Infecting tribes transforming
Them into Legion
Nationalist, Imperialist, Totalitarian
Obliterating their previous identity
We are the disease
Total war
There is no escape
The dead will never rest

The Dark Passenger

Left to rot and make peace with myself
My body lies in this putrid mess of a home
The Dark Passenger sitting in the corner of the room
Staring into the abyss, the void of Xel
This other worldly experience
A concept I still cannot grasp
My whole life reflecting back
All happening simultaneously
Leading up to this moment
Only to rot away into nothingness
I couldn't handle the madness
The torture, the lust
Craving for that scent
The rush of blood
It consumes me, engulfs me into a trance
Psychotic episodes
Possessed by a higher being
Doing its bidding, The Dark Passenger
He needed his feed..
An urge I could no longer control
Piercing my neck with the shards of glass around
I thought this would be my only release
To these shackles, the cowards way out
Spitting out blood
I smile, I am finally free
Finally free
Free

Uni

Wow, I'm actually stressing about uni right now, and today was only the first day back. Really worried on how I will go and trying to force myself to study. I have never stressed so early in a semester of anything. I guess not studying for more than six months really does that to you. Reflecting on how I have done in the past, it is actually pretty daunting thinking about how am I going to pass everything, and actually start doing well too.

Have I finally gotten some maturity in me? Or will I fall back to giving up and making a half arse attempt at life again.

Meet Thy Maker

The world is crying tonight
Mourning for their gods
They have been forsaken
Left to die on this corrupted earth
All life withering away
A barren desert is left
In the wake of plague, famine, conquest and death
Ravens feeding on the remains
Survivors praying to the gods that detest them
Sacrifice after sacrifice
Trying to destroy the remaining sinners
To cleanse this land
Hoping their gods will come back

Mmm this one is pretty weak... like the assailant.. oh well still gonna publish it

What is love?

Mutilation, termination
Nails piercing your hands
Onto this wall of lies
Your wretched stench from infected wounds
The glassy eyed look on your face
Staring deep down inside
All I see is fear and the loss of hope
Your pain amuses me
It enriches me, fills me with gratification
I control you now
My puppet, my play thing
You have lost your humanity
Just a lowly creature
Not even worthy of nothing
You will be mine
Mine only, no one else can have you
There's no escaping from me
My little china doll
Wrapped in bloody silk
Will you sing for me tonight?

Define me

Losing your place in the world, trying to redefine the moment
Are you lost? Or are you running away?
People are missed and longed for
Something isn't quite right
No matter how hard you press on
The wind will always knock you down
But do you get back up again?
Or let yourself get carried away with it all?
Having no resistance against your surroundings
Bruised and battered
Taking shape of what shouldn't be
Who are you?

The Assailant

I got pretty bored at work today so I decided to write this.

Stab wounds to the face.. piercing the skin..
Deadly poison seep through..
First goes the lungs... struggling to breathe
Each gasp of air exhaled, yet nothing inhaled..
A burning sensation on the skin..
Everything slowly melting away..
How did it all end like this?
The life I lead.. what did I do to deserve all this?
The assailant i can't see his face..
He drops his calling card..
A skull of a goat..
His black tooth grin.. he's pleased
Satisfied with his kill
His pray maimed.. writhing in pain
Gagging, spitting out blood..
Struggling for air.. blood just fills my lungs
Sadistic mannerisms, a cry of wryyyyyyyyyyyy
This moment won't end soon..
He's keeping me alive longer..
Savouring the sight of the process of death
The flesh is now melting off the bone
The pain excruxiating, asphyxiating
Mouthing out to the assailant..
"Kill me now"
A fair kill he has deemed..
Equipping an obsidian hachet out of his trenchcoat
.. In the name of Jesus Christ amen..
A final blow on the frontal lobe..

A new era of corruption

Why have a plan for humanity when you haven't done anything yourself?
As the most worthless creation of all, has finally devolved into something beautiful
I was once a man, but now a beast, an abomination
A weary exile singing my song of loneliness
So welcome to hell, where suffering reigns and gods are reduced to slaves
Forced into my own psychotic prison
I have nothing, nothing to hide
I am the Alpha and the Omega
All my mind can think about is to destroy anything in my way.. How many times have you wanted to kill everything and everyone? Say you'll do it but never will
This new era has arrived.. Goodbye 2010