The future

I do not understand the chemicals swirling around. All the colours and shapes. Everything is such a blur. What is happening right now? Actually nothing is happening right now. I got back my first assignment of the semester.
I failed.
Its retarded because I don't care, and I have got a midsem this Thursday and I am not stressing about that. I should care, and I should be stressing, but I am beyond that point at the moment. I'm not sure what I want to do at the moment. I still want to go to uni and I still want to work. I thought I was back on track after last semester. But it seems like my mid year break didn't really do anything for me, except want a longer holiday.

So where is my mind right now then? I just want to have fun. Gaming, eating, drinking, exploring, expanding, conquering the world and leaving my mark on it. I had dinner with Hong last night, and he told me engineering isn't for him and that he would see himself as an accountant. This is the same for me, I don't see myself working in the finance world. I'd much prefer to be an engineer, but stupid me 3 years back decided to ragequitted from the maths and science. Its too late for me now, so I need to finish this degree, and if I really want to.... do engineering later down the track.

I have lost the game

I can never hate her. Its so strange having life go back to normal. I'm back to where I was before we spoke, but.. There's emptiness too. I am happy, yet.. there is still that emptiness sitting right in the middle of it. I have lost the game. I am actually missing her haha. Life goes on though, and she'll probably never speak to me again.

Just pre-ordered one!

No regrets, no compromise

Such nice melodic singing..

Food is where the mouth is

Hey everybody, do you know what I love? Eating a good hearty meal with friends. Had Korean BBQ with Ben tonight, brought back heaps of memories from Korea, missing the good food and people.

Space Bound

It was Vanessa's 21st on Friday. I was pretty nervous going, each day approaching it, I kept changing my mind whether or not to go. Ended up deciding to go and missed my train. As I get out of the tram I see Fan and Angie, but they don't see me so I approached them from behind and say hi. Fan was super excited to see me after such a long time. We walk towards Alumbra and meet Vanessa and her friends.. Meeting new people isn't exactly one of my fortes, but hey I tried.

Vanessa tells me I have to line up in the guest list line because her VIP line is full. I'm there with a few of her friends, and introduce myself to them. As we're talking, the bouncer pulls me aside and starts telling me we can't go in. I was like "What, why? We're on the guest list" and then he starts talking about how the club is going to be full (we're there at 10pm, one of the very first lining up) and that the "eye in the sky" while pointing at the camera are only letting regulars in. From that moment on I knew he was bullshitting. Kev was there as a promoter tried to speak to the bouncer for me to tell him to let me in, but to no avail. So we were forced to get out of the line and I'm just standing there dumbfounded, what the fuck happened. Kev comes out and he tells me it was probably the fact that I just cut my hair and the piercings, got a mohawk now, shaved sides and a lame arse ratty that I need to get cut.

Haha god first time getting barred from a club. Well I guess that's something to tick off my to-do-list. I told Vanessa and Fan what happened, said it was nice seeing them again but I'll be going home. Kev told me James decided to come tonight, so I tell James I got barred and we decided to just have a few drinks for the night. It was good to catch up with him again.

Mm life.. I keep thinking about the world ending/post apocalypse. Its most likely from reading too much Fallout lore. Everything I see, I think about how I could use it to survive. My wardrobe, what clothes would be durable/practical. The only things were my thermals, and leather jacket.. Slim fit jeans ain't gonna cut it. And shoes.. god the shoes.. a pair of Vans with no grip, two pairs of dress shoes, and a pair of Zara casual shoes. I need to get a pair of steel capped hiking boots and some cargo pants. Weapons in my room: nunchaks, dumbbell bars.. But of course I am not entirely deluded from reality, thank god for that. Random how quickly this blog went from my fail Friday night to talking about my equipment to survive post apocalypse...

I did my best but my work went unnoticed. A lot of things from the past opened up again over this whole week. Life is back to boring now. In my mind though, I wonder when it'll get shaken up again with an unexpected hello from a new stranger or a ghost from the past.


I remember watching this a few months ago when it was released. And I'm watching it again right now. Yeh this blog is everywhere. I just want to keep writing, so I will no matter how incoherent it may get.

Everything is super quiet right now. Nothing is invoking thoughts. Its 1.14am and I don't want to go to uni tomorrow. I felt like that last week after Monday, I really didn't want to got to uni at all, but I some how did. I didn't wag a single tute or lecture at all. My first assignment is due this coming Thursday, I haven't started it but I will tomorrow. Stress for uni hasn't kicked in just yet.

Its funny for so long, so many years I wanted the voices to quiet down and stop talking. But now that I am here.. Its too quiet, I wish that they were still talking. Life is just too ordinary at the moment. Too bland, plain, tasteless. Sigh, guess I am going to wrap it up here.

Ain't that a kick in the head

Ahh this song is seriously a timeless classic, loving this stuff. Everything from The Golden Age was amazing. Would've been great to live during then.

Hesitate

I pull the gun out of my mouth, I'm not gonna go down like this.
So I thought to myself, "I don't need you anymore"
There's so much more at the stake and I can't let this bring me down.
So goodbye again. You know I'll be back though.

Amy's Song

There's times in life when you don't know what to do.

I have lost that game too many times before

currently in the uni car park at the moment. waiting for traffic to die down.. even though its 6.20 as I'm writing this there's too many cars waiting to get out.
It just replays through my head at the moment. What can we do though? Can't have it both ways. I fought so hard in the past, and now its the same situation again I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. All those messages lost in translation. Its never too late though. I want you to stay in my life. I don't want to ever lose you again.

08/08/2011 - 12.34AM The Wish

All I know is, I don't want to compromise any more. I don't want to be put in the back. I don't want to step aside, let them walk all over me. So I take this stand, I don't want to be forgotten and left in the waste.

Take me as I am. Bonds that faltered, yet never broke. Standing over the cliff edge where I wait. The land of the south, and the land of the north. Separating everything in between. Situations and complications. The big decision. Sporadic thoughts racing through. Here in and here out.

Things could've been so different. Always keep fighting for what is right. Never give up. So that's why I fight now, won't back down. Won't take no for an answer. I almost walked away again, about to carry on with life trying to ignore that something had happened. I couldn't. Couldn't walk away. What was lost, is found. And I don't want to lose again. I've lost too much to let go.

I left a message back then. Maybe it did echo through the ages and left a mark. Left a seed that just grew and grew. Leading us to this point.
The one wish tonight. If it doesn't come true, I'm coming to find you.

This is my sacrifice for you

Guess its goodbye again. It was nice while it lasted.
edit:

It's strange, saying goodbye forever, to a best friend again that I haven't spoken to in a very long time. If you ever see this, this is dedicated to you.

edit 2:

just remembered this song from Scrubs

Update on life

So an update on life as it is right now. I am doing fine, my mind is in a good place at the moment. I haven't been kicked out of uni, just yet.. haha I actually passed all my units last semester I was so fucking stoked when I opened results to see all three units were passes.

In regards to work, I was offered a "promotion" at work, but me being the lazy bastard I am decided not to take up on it because I didn't have my resume ready. A friend of mine actually applied for the job and got it, regretting it so much now that I didn't actually apply for it, a pay rise would have been nice.

Life in general. I am happy, sure I don't have much going on, but I am actually content with everything. Friendship circle has grown smaller but I don't mind. I am finding myself in a more loner status but once again super content with that, I can't possibly ask for any more. In regards of where I want to lead my life. I want to be a rock star (if only), but really I want to be a humanitarian, philanthropist, saving the world, saving humanity from what it has become.

How I am going to achieve that, I don't know. And it may seem extremely weird that I want this, because as you can see, with all the songs I have been writing they are all nihilistic (believing that nothing exists and there is no point to life), about war, violence, destruction and what not, I want the exact opposite to happen to this world. I want to leave my mark, do my part and hopefully it'll influence the world. Look at the current world right now, a massacre in Norway does not get much coverage compared to the death of a crackwhore, its just plain retarded. The US Debt crisis, as well, it's pretty fucking scary thinking about what would happen to world if the US defaults - the economy will go into a depression, which may be possibly worse than that of 1929. I won't be able to do much to influence that situation though. If the US prints more money, then that will just cause the foreign exchange market to be flooded with USD causing it to depreciate, and causing further problems for the economy.

But I digress, I am working towards a better me still, such a work in progress ._. Hahaha a masterpiece cannot be rushed, and the vision will always change. I am good. I would always say "I am something" when I did not want to share what I was really feeling, or when I felt nothing or just felt like utter shit. But today I can claim that I am good, feeling great. I have overcome a mountain of problems in my life, and I know I will hit a stop some day eventually, but it won't become a meltdown that has been the last few years of my life. I've been able to grasp onto concepts and thoughts that plagued my mind over the last few years. I have accepted that I am me, and that I am happy with who I am and to no longer be that insecure young boy I was back then. After all no one wants to be around a depressed person who isn't up for anything, a killjoy who sucks the mood out of the room, the misanthrope who didn't trust humanity. I am sorry for all the times I did that. Taking pity upon myself, and being consumed in the darkness inside. That is pretty much in the past now.

I know someone is worried about me, so I posted this up in regards to everything. I want them to know that I am good. That they shouldn't worry about me. I hope they are okay too, and hopefully they'll be able to contact me when they can without consequences.

Edit: didn't think this would be such a long post hahaha. Fuck need to stop procrastinating and continue with my tute work..