Chapter 1 closed

This seems to be a low point in this blogging career, I have had mental blanks and all on what to write. Writing lyrics/creating pieces aren't there anymore, since there's no rage or depression to dwell upon. Maybe this is the end, and I finish this blog here and start a new one later down the track.

Phase 1 complete

Haven't done a post in a week, not sure why. Just have nothing to update. Its time now for phase 2. Just see how this goes for the next few weeks. A bit shocked that Leigh got fired from work.. not sure what happened there.. I don't want to go to work tomorrow/today. My music has been updated, got the older stuff of BTBAM, I already bought their two newest albums earlier this year. So good. Nile, Vovoid, Black Label Society, Gojira, Quo Vadis just to name from the top of my head.

One part of me feels content, the other still feels alone. Just have to wait and see, be less frantic. But I guess a lot of progress has been made.

Just maybe

I am glad to have met you. But I have to let you go. Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry for everything. Maybe sometime in the future things wouldn't be so messed up. Maybe I can finally have a different light on the world.

I am alive

But am now dead in the world I was born into.

Pretty boring day at work today, did not want to get out of bed. Highlight I guess was having that risk seminar which took 2.5hours, best NPT in a while. Shitloads of new people on the team too.. feels so weird being one of the veterans, but then again I've been training people for the last 4-5months I've been here. So I guess it should feel right. I have finally applied for my annual leave and updated my work hours. My stats over the last 3 months have been pretty average, with sickness, exams and stuff. But since I'll be working close to full time I can definitely pull them up and probably do a lot better than most people. I know that sounds cocky, but if I'm able to keep up with my stats in my current state, then I'll definitely be able to do well.

Awesome thing is Phung applied for a job with me, he made it past the phone interview, and is having his group interview tomorrow. I'm pretty amazed as I didn't refer him for the job. Thing is though, its for inbound, and I'm working outbound. So he'll be the floor above me if he gets it. Ahh oh well best of luck for him tomorrow.

Trying to find something to look forward too in due time, as Korea is just too far ahead to look at. I mean I am excited for it, but once again too far ahead.. I mean the guys in Ragequit are pretty much stressed out hardcore at the moment, Uni is seriously draining them. I just sit hear and listen to them, it's pretty full on too.

I feel something at the moment, I don't know what it is. It's just a lump sitting there inside. It feels heavy, and its suffocating at the moment.

I've been told to do a post

So yeh, someone told me I should do a post today/tonight.. *glares at Angelique.. Mmm can't really say much has happened, just been playing SC2, been meaning to go out but today's weather was absolutely shit. I wasn't able to change shifts for work as JT and Larkin weren't working on Saturday, so got nothing to do until Thursday. Definitely need to catch up with the boys, been too long.

The Hurricane Season boys have released 3 songs of their demo. Pretty sweet I gotta say. Can't say I enjoy T-Millionaire's vocals though. Definitely a solid effort though. Can't wait for the EP.

Mm yeh getting late, better sleep now.

Over

Its over, no more uni until March 2011. I'm just waiting for my cousin to get to my place to drive me to work. My hands are freezing, and I'm quite tired. Mmm its weird, I never did get to do my drive.. I just went straight to hotpot that night, spending time with people, rather than spending time isolated. I still want to go for that drive. I feel nervous at the moment, I don't know why I just do. I think its because during all of my exams, I felt no stress, or anything, and because of that, there was no weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I should've went to sleep earlier, feeling too tired right now. This is an extract of a convo I had just yesterday

(11:25 AM) Tanya: hi are you there?
(11:26 AM) kevin..: hey yeh i actually was gonna say hi to you
>>
(11:26 AM) Tanya: I just took an IQ quiz
(11:26 AM) kevin..: oh fail its a bot
terrible\
(11:26 AM) Tanya: im not a bot silly, its me
(11:27 AM) kevin..: nah too bad i'm sorry
(11:27 AM) Tanya: I was smarter than I am! I scored 111
(11:27 AM) kevin..: sorry you're just a bot
and it makes me sad that you are
it really does
(11:28 AM) Tanya: you gotta try if you can beat me, http://iqscoretest6.com/?test=14c4340fb
(11:28 AM) kevin..: that's just a virus
(11:28 AM) Tanya: lol no its me
(11:29 AM) kevin..: what is my name then
(11:29 AM) Tanya: im sure you cant lol
(11:29 AM) kevin..: see exactly
you're not tanya
you're just a program
(11:29 AM) Tanya: take it now while im in the shower and tell me ur score later
(11:30 AM) kevin..: lol...

So yeh I was just so disappointed by that. I really did want to speak to Tanya. She was a cool person, and yeh she was a friend of Amy's. Sigh oh well, whatever. Damn Bots.

Half way

Just finished my second exam. Well more like - walked in, sat down for 1hour left. Yeh I'm a major screw up. Two exams done and I wasn't able to do anything. Once this week is over I'll be glad. Just to leave it all behind. I don't feel any remorse, or bad about all of this. Its just back to numbness.

mmm I'll get back to this blog later

EDIT:

Ok had my third exam today (it being Wednesday now) it went good I guess.. not as well as I hoped because I knew most of the questions yet I had mental blanks and forgot a lot of things. So yeh bit tired of it all. I really wanna relax tonight. Probably hit up SC2. But we all know that would be a big mistake.

I have booked the hostel rooms for Shanghai and Seoul, lame that was my budget for the week, need to drain out of the savings zzz. But I'm glad that's over now, one less thing to worry about now.

Last night I was excited about getting paid.. then I realised that I'm getting paid next week and not today, major drainer. There's this guy behind me playing WoW. It's quite funny. Will head home soon, I'm just procrastinating here. I've got so much I want to do after my exams are done. I'm not too sure where to start though. I'll keep it all under hush-hush first so I don't disappoint myself. Just need to take baby steps.

Expletives and Say you'll haunt me

It's Sunday and I am not ready for my first exam tomorrow.

So the story starts off with Phung's Friday night 21st. The night was so scattered, everyone did their own thing practically in a few separate groups. A few guys got smashed early on the night, other's went clubbing, few others were just playing 360, and a few others were gambling. The whole night as much as I enjoyed myself, there was a lot of inner frustration and feeling uncomfortable about many things. I just couldn't shake the feelings. I felt suffocated at times in the room.

When everyone was finally back together in the room, many went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, as I still had that unshaken feeling. So I went out with Tim, surprised that guy survived a lot of the night with all the shots he had to take. We were just talking. Its scary finding out the things you find. It was good having a release of things you need to get out. I didn't realise how long we were talking for until the sun came out.

Why do I hold all the regrets of yesteryears? As much as they pain me, I still carry them. I punish myself for some absurd reason, and just continue the torment.

When you start opening up to new people, you wonder if it's worth it. I mean people who actually seem interested in listening. Am I just scared of showing what's inside? I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want people to know what is there. Yet for some reason it's just flowing out with some people..

Say You'll Haunt Me

Little supernovas in my head

Little soft pulses in my dead

Little souvenirs and secrets shared

Little off guard and unprepared

I was never good enough to find

I was never bad enough to mind

In the middle I will do my best

Take me in your arms and leave the rest

I will give you anything to

Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

Little variations on my page

Little doors open on my cage

Little time has come and gone so far

Little by little who you are

I can see the patterns on your face

I can see the miracles I trace

Symmetry in shadows I can't hide

I just want to be right by your side

I will give you everything to

Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

I belong to you

Little supernovas in my head

Little soft pulses in my dead

Little souvenirs and secrets shared

Little off guard and unprepared

I will give you everything to

Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

I belong to you

_____________________________________________________________________

So this is the new single from Stone Sour's Audio Secrecy which is released early next month. I am so looking forward to it. This song is pretty deep. Its about love and it seems so obsessive. I like..

Its dark yet so soft at the same time. It's like what Slipknot tried to achieve but failed on All Hope is Gone. With each listen I like this song more and more. And its the final nail in the coffin, Corey and Jim don't have their heart in Slipknot anymore, All Hope is Gone showed that, Paul's death has hurt the band to the point I don't think they'd be able to make anything. I mean Joey says that they will make another album, but Corey says he isn't too sure. Listening to Say You'll haunt me, shows the fire that was once in Corey's heart about Slipknot is now fully in Stone Sour.

Hearts burst into fire

I'm coming home

I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

Have I fucked things up again?

I'm dreaming

Too much time we'd have to spend

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

You're not alone

I know I'm far from home

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

Do you wait for me again?

I'm screaming

No more days we'd have to spend

It hurts, wound so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

My beds so cold so lonely

No arms just sheets to hold me

Has this world stopped turning?

I'll wait forever to be apart, forever to be apart

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

I'm coming home

I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

I'm screaming

I'm dreaming..

__________________________________________________________________________

So umm yeh not really a big BFMV fan.. I don't like a lot of their songs. This song is just so goddamn cheesy that its good. :( I'm such a pussy.. been listening to it since the start of the year. Its really grown on me, I can play some of it on guitar. I've been meaning to post the song on the blog for a very long time. But I dunno, just a lot of things stopping me. Got nothing to hold back now though.

QFT

Dear diary,

Today I got my first period. Well, I thought I did. It was only when I realised that I actually don't have a vagina, that I found it was just me cumming blood.

That's all.

By Angelique

Quiet

The trains are coming, I can hear them rattling the tracks. They get louder and louder. But then everything becomes dead quiet. No sound, just utter complete silence. Everything is frozen. Everything is gone. I'm looking around, trying to look at what is happening. I can't make out the picture. It's all just a blur, my reality as I know it. The tracks are the only visible thing I see, yet there are no trains. The sky feels like its going higher and higher, with the sun shining and no clouds in the air. I look back to the ground and the path just seems to have disappeared. There is no ground, and the sky has disappeared. Nothing makes no sound, nothing makes no warmth, nothing makes no life. The only thing that stands before me are the tracks. Guess its time to follow the tracks.

Resent for the weak

I keep waking up with this hollow feeling

It hurts and drags on

Yet all I do is keep to myself

I miss... no I won't say it,

You don't deserve it, never will

Why do I resent everything so much?

Everything that I am too,

Everything that surrounds me in my home

Is all that I hate

Breaking free and living large

What will fill up this emptiness?

I'm still young, got plenty to live for

But I trap myself within this prison

That I call my mind

Its not tangible

Its an automation of my past

That I have been programmed to hate

This socially inept, shy, embarrassed

Person you see right here

Has all been affected with how he grew up

No older brother to look up to,

No parents to lean back on to,

So I've secluded them out of my life

I don't need them, they were never there for me

They would never understand

And all of this causes all the emptiness inside

In turn starting to shut out all my friends

The people who are there for me

I resent myself

I hate myself

And all of this won't be fixed by saying all that..

Sigh

Just came crashing down again.. Feel so alone right now..

Warm winter nights

Ahhh the inability to study and concentrate. It's just so argh.. I can't deal with this. I want to study but I just keep procrastinating. I'm not even stressing.. Which is absolutely terrible.

I got my DTG shirt.. it looks sooo awesome, even though it's just a plain white tee with the logo, I don't have many white shirts. Material is pretty light too and not too thick. Ahhh I think this could be a start to my online shopping career. I really need to save up though for the end of the year.

So yeh I've got my Auntie Adelene and Uncle Simon from Perth staying over for the next 2 weeks, and also my Auntie Serene from Malaysia too. They're all going to Mt Buller over the next few days with my family and I'll be home alone to study and work.. I would go but yeh.. Deferred exams and all.. I just got a letter sent from Monash saying I've got to sent to me stating that its and early warning letter about being excluded from the Uni. Reason stated was because I deferred 2+ exams... stupid monash.. better start studying now..

Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty

You will ruin my life.. Hopefully got it out of my system for the next few weeks until my exams are done..

End of an old era, and rise of a new paradigm. No more dota for me anymore.. All that game has done is make me rage and rage. I can't deal with that constantly happening everytime I play.

Good Riddance

Ahhh when the little unknown things go unseen and then you find out what has happened. That sentence is so grammatically fucked up but that's alright.

Run rabbit run rabbit, run run run...

Just keep running and hopping

Did not expect this to happen. If I didn't care, I wouldn't blog about it. But there is still some part of me that does care. All I can probably say is Good bye, farewell, toodeloo, and good riddance

Dumdidum

Seems like yesterday when I stood up with the sun on my back. Feeling the heat burn down on me. It's just cold and rainy most of the days now. But it's definitely getting brighter, the sun is setting at a later time. Just like a whole cycle. Oscillating, life seems to be that way too, just need to get life back up though, not go through the whole cycle, but rather.. increase the middle point, the average. So I don't dip too far below again and again and again.

Mmm, I'm still waiting for my DTG shirt.. hopefully it will come tomorrow. Would be wearing it for the whole week I think haha. There seems to be a lot of waiting, and biding. Until that opportunity arises, I will try to jump on it then. But what I am even waiting for? I'm already trying to do a few things for myself, but it just seems like I want something to happen. I guess something will happen when I get my exams over and done with. I'll definitely be driving to see as far as I can go for one day. Out of Melbourne.

I generally find myself quiet with my mates. I don't know what to say most of the time. Small talk wasn't really my speciality. Do enjoy the company though, just not sure what to say. They jump in my car, and there's just a few things said then for the most of it.. it's quiet. Or even just hanging out with mates, I find myself either to be the one at the front, or at the back. Not standing next to anyone. I don't find myself talking. It's a bit of a struggle, to be honest. Everyone probably feels really uncomfortable about it. I know I do.

Jap food

There's a little voice inside that's telling me that I should go to sleep. Feeling pretty drained after little sleep for the last few days. Not much happened today.. Dialler was down for most of the day so we got to go home early if we wanted to. Left after lunch came and went to Ben's to watch Leverage with the guys. We went to J's Surf and Turf for dinner. All you can eat Jap food. Pretty good, get sick of the Tempura and the marinated chicken easily though..

We went back to Ben's house after dinner to finish the rest of Season 1 for Leverage. I had already seen the first six episodes at the end of last year.. It was my distraction.. for a lot of things.. Not sure why I stopped watching, may be because of laziness.

Well it's 1:09 now, gonna go sleep feeling tired..

Inception

Good movie.. Now was the whole movie a dream or reality from the start? That open ending was predictable from the start, but it really still does make you think. Even if it were a dream at the end though, he does move on from the past so he'll be happy to stay there and not care. ahhh... won't be sleeping tonight..

Plans

We make plans to kiss the sun at night

Hopeless dreamers, hopeless times

Shedding skin you show your beauty scars

Don't forget me or who you are

You know, this don't feel right

Who knows what we feel?

I just met you, I can read your thoughts

What they tell me is what I want

I'll keep you guessing, keep you wanting more

'Cause where we're going, no one knows

Hey now, you know, this don't feel right

Who knows, this could feel right

See I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts

So don't forget me or what you want

Light up the stage

Make your move

Give me something

So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm

Soon it unfolds

Who we are

In this masquerade of stars

Tear off the mask, the face you hide is what I'm missing

We make plans to kiss the sun at night

Hopeless dreamers, hopeless times

One was turning, one was standing still

I won't forget what was promised here

You know, this don't feel right

Who knows what we feel?

___________________________________________________

So just a change of pace from what I usually listen to.. This song has really grown on me. Absolutely love it.

Exiled Spawn

I am the faceless embodiment of your nightmare

Brought to flesh by your fear

I am the nameless spectre from the past

With hollow eyes that stare beyond

Your soul, your heart

Filled with bloodlust and sadistic mannerisms

Armed with a knife

Slowly filleting the skin

Teeth sink in and venom seeps in

Sardonic disfiguring of the face

No one shall remember who you are

Lost in the world whence you came

Become the beast inside

Losing every bit of your outer beauty

You had no humanity to begin with

Show the world for what's inside

Greed and selfishness

Evil incarnate from the womb of Satan

Walk this Earth with the Mark of The Abyss

Branded on thy forehead

Scorned and spited by Man

Rejected and refused by others

You useless piece of blood and dirt

Existence is eternal

Death welcomes you not

My sunshine

Trapped in isolation

Carving mutilation

Mind raped and body gutted

Rotting with my sorrow

This tortured soul

Tormented beyond belief

More pain and little relief

Free me... Kill me...

Save me from the very walls

I have created

So I can finally rest in peace

Rather than in pieces

Broken nails, bleeding fingers

I've tried to burrow out

But this prison has no escape

I can only stare out

To the world I was born in

The place I once knew

My mind is this suffocating tomb

Fitted just for me

For no one else to see

Cynical Bicycle

So I've just been writing my thoughts at the start of work..

It was the first time feeling like crap when I woke up this morning. Just feel so alone. I can't trust anyone. This cynicism has been hovering around for so long. At first a few years ago, mother told me that I should not trust anyone except myself and her. Back then I just scoffed at it, saying that it's stupid, I can trust my friends and my girlfriend back then.

But something snapped. When my heart broke for the first time. The poison started to sink in. I shut myself out from the world. I could not confide in anyone. I disconnected myself from everyone. Those were my darkest days.

It took me 2 years to finally start trying to open up to people. I felt a lot of relief. I was able to fall in love again, and I knew to expect a fall. However, I didn't imagine that I would fall this hard that I relapse to back to where I was. I had lost my trust in everyone again.

Its really hard to start, but I'm slowly trying to reconnect myself. I am just so tired of being like this.

Driving

When boredom kicked in a few hours ago it has just lead my down the same path with those thoughts, and feeling over crappiness. I wasn't able to keep myself busy, with games wearing thin, music non-existent, hardly able to study, and nothing to read. I just sit here staring at this screen. Feels pretty melancholic right now. Mmmm nothing like a cruise at night, haven't gone out for one in a while, so I'll go do that now..

1 hour 10mins later. I went by St Peters and St James at first just to check it out. Went to the city on the Princes Hwy, then back to suburbia on the Nepean Hwy. umm yeh i don't remember much else to write coz that was last night. But it sure felt good, feeling free, like I'm in control. When I'm not driving, I'm just back in my cage..

for today - wednesday 14/06/2010

Just another day at work. I decided to write a list of things I need to improve on personally:

To stop giving up when doing tasks

To bear through things that I don't want to do

To be less socially awkward

To be less quiet

To stop thinking that what I show on the outside isn't what I feel inside. I do feel happy at times.

Things to do:

Delete her from MSN. Its just no good, a lost cause. She doesn't even remember you. All I see is her bragging about her boyfriend. How he is so perfect, that he's everything she needs, and that not one can replace him. Don't know when I'll do it..

I am missing a close friend, a best friend. I tried to find it in her again, but its just a ghost of the past. The last two months since unblocking her, I've barely spoke to her. I just don't even know what to say. I can't even joke around with her. Everything is just dead.

I am not empty inside, but it feels that way.

Peace within myself

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure

Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders

Done so much, yet not content.. When will this hunger end? What am I actually craving for?

Update?

Mmm yeh haven't posted in a while. Nothing new really, just work 3 full days a week at the moment, hanging with Ben, Tim and Hong. Lambert coming back from Queensland, and finding out that him and Simone broke up. Felt pretty sad about that, but they're still really good friends. Having a drink up at Tim's, having about 1-2hours sleep then going to work 9-5 the next day, first few hours were hell then I started to feel alright and pretty good by the end of it. We were supposed to go to Bass Lounge that night too but we were all ceebs due to weather and what not. Its been pretty chilled and laxed, which is what I'm glad for.

Got the tickets for Shanghai and Seoul for 23th November - 24th December. Gonna be awesome, definitely something to look forward to. Tim, Ben and me. Lambert confirmed his parents are letting him go, but he isn't too sure if he wants to go to Korea.

Parents are up the shits again. Then again when are they not? Mum's always disappearing to these seminars from some sorta cult, and dad is complaining that she's never home and he isn't too sure how long left he can stay here. I'm not phased by this, kinda waiting for this to happen for so many years. Not sure how the little one would react to it all though, he's still so young. Loveless marriage, loveless family, fucked up kids in the end.

I feel so sorry for Benson, there's so much I want to do for him, but at the same time I can't. I don't want him to have the teenage lives that me and Matt grew up with, and definitely don't want him to have that same low self-esteem that seems to run in the family.

Got my permanent position at work too just recently, contract kicks in on the 16th of July. Finally get my sick leave.. I get paid fortnightly too now instead of weekly which sucks bad. Guess it ain't as bad as people who get paid monthly though ._. that must really suck.

I'm not sure what else to say, nothing's coming to mind.

Breeding Violence

Fuck this life

Bereft of free will

Once a man now a beast, an abomination

Looking through the eyes of a mind corrupted by hypocrisy

Now every sin I harbor inside become one with me

Nameless

No family to call my own

Helpless

Nobody to save me now

Hopeless

Could there be light beyond this hell I call home

Hate, war

Slowly becoming what I can only think about

My dungeon reeks of all the decomposing flesh of what seems to be

Heroes come and gone, slaughtered with no remorse

Innocent blood I crave

No sanity is found in me

No sanity found

Bereft of free will

Once a man now a beast, an abomination

Looking through the eyes of a mind corrupted by hypocrisy

Now every sin I harbor inside becomes one with me

Human flesh enters the chamber

Emotionless, my meal is a delicacy in this place

The chamber doors close, my mind corrodes

This seems to be a diabolical plan for extinction

This is pure hatred

Nameless

No family to call my own

Helpless

Nobody to save me now

Hopeless

Could there be light beyond this hell I call home

By the hands of an unknown lord

I am the highest threat to the future of mortality

This is pure fucking hatred

Indecent exposure

Empty shell and running naked

All alone.. lobotomized

___________________________________________________

Stress and anxiety bomb explosion is just having a snowball effect.. growing larger and larger... Not something great to live with right now..

Apples

Anxiety and just a whole range of emotions running high on the blood that is life. Can't touch what is there, only to be seen. Visions of dead flakes and scars. Leaving trails of subtlety, unknown to what the message really is. Feeling poetic, yet full of despair. The only words that come out are shattered and malignant. As dastardly and cowardly they are, it's life as it is, a plague on us all. Testing the waters, yet having toes pulled off, quick shots to the soul. Nothing is empty, nothing is full. The glass may be there, but what fills that glass? Free running from free thought. A balance and a fall. Tripping to a quick stumble. Looking at whats behind only to see nothing. What is behind? Just something dark. A whole mess encrypted and buried into the dirt. Hiding what is, and showing what is not. Slumber, fasting, and slowly enticing. Causing the shell to be frail. How this could carry on, with only whats in site and nothing to hold onto. Slipping and falling, tossing and turning. Laughter and maniacal eyes stare. Roads of cracks like veins, looking chaotic. Chaos theory holds there is some order no matter how random acts are. Consequent and deluded cries of agony shouting out at what is, tempting the shell to believe what is not. Like a child, a complete new state of mind being brainwashed and indoctrinated to follow these laws. Bounded by blood, blinded by fury. Die by the hand from which it came. Squirming and writhing in pain, screaming in tongues unknown to man. What maelstrom is left is now silent.

Meningitis, I will survive this

I’ve been in hospital since Friday and I was diagnosed with viral Meningitis. It’s a virus where the fluid in your brain is gets infected by the virus and it causes headaches and vomiting. The headaches were absolutely terrible, beyond belief. They were constantly there, and the only way for me to be free of them is to be doped up on painkillers. The vomiting as well was absolute shite. I would be just constantly vomiting everything that was in my stomach, even if it was empty from food, I’d be vomiting out bile and stomach acids. This was to the point where it was just green liquid being ejected.

So yeh admission to the hospital was the worst. They just made me lay on a bed for 3 hours to wait for another bed. After that, I was given painkillers for the headache and some other meds for the vomiting and also hooked me up to an IV drip (god I love those things). That helped a lot the headaches were gone and the vomiting had stopped I was feeling tonnes better.

The doctor then finally got to me and told me I may have Meningitis and would have to do a Lumber-puncture biopsy. The procedure is where you crawl into a foetal position, they use antiseptic to wash the back, apply local anaesthetic into the area and then insert a large needle to extract the fluid from the spine saps which is the same fluid in the brain. From what everyone told me, it was supposed to be excruciating, but I didn’t feel a thing only the local anaesthetic being applied and nothing else after that.

Few hours later, the doc comes back and tells me its quite clear, but there were a six different polydromes (sp) when there should be none. However, it would be at 20 polydromes if the Meningitis was to go on for longer and that I had to stay in hospital overnight. Mum was there with me from the morning till about 3am.

The next day Matt, dad and Benson came to visit but I was having a pretty bad headache at the time so they didn’t stay too long. I had Matt call Lambert to tell him that I was in hospital, because I knew he would get into contact with the others. A few hours pass and they eventually moved me into the actual ward. And I see that I get reception there and decide to call Allen, he then decides to leave uni with Sid and they both just hanged out with me until Lamb, Hong, Ben and Cynthia came. Pretty awesome having those guys come, made a few hours pass. Lamb, Ben and Hong also bought me snacks that I haven’t really eaten at all. Thanks anyways guys. ALSO THANK YOU LAMBERT FOR GIVING ME IP MAN 2, DAMN AWESOME MOVIE.

So heres another night at the hospital, starting from the Emergency department to the Day treatment centre to now the ward and I actually have a window to outside. Missed work, didn’t get to say bye to Vanessa before she left to the States D: oh well, she better get me something good. Lame IV drip is running out, I want more damnit, as much as they are awesome, they are so troublesome when going to the toilet and walking around with them, being in just a gown thats open on the back and in your jocks too doesn’t really help out your dignity. Fuck should’ve went sleep earlier its only 10:06 at the moment but the guy across the room has started to snore.. k I’m gonna try to sleep now. Night all

A gun and a halo

Ooooooh

Break it

As the darkness above you

Comes crashing down

You cannot run away

As the darkness about you

Comes crashing down

You cannot just run away

Take your fears

And lock them in a closet

Where they will rot forever

And lets go

The only way to move is forward

So don't look back

The world is a terrifying place

But we're here

For you

We will not let you do this alone so

Just take my hand

And take a chance

This is a one way road

So just embrace

Every chance we prove with you

Cause it will be the last

This is the last one you'll need

The past is easy to see

So look beyond

We'll protect you

And we'll watch over all of you

With a gun and a halo

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Well this is BrutalScream669 from youtube's current band Soul of Aries. His vocal range and power is just insane and so precise. Out of the many screamers and growlers on youtube he is definitely one of the best. My aim is to get a sound similar to his, which I've almost got with the lows but the highs will always short fall. He's only 17 too.. goddamnit..

Stupid Boy

I found this song a few days ago, I didn't know whether or not to post it up, I had everything copied down and written, just never published it. I don't know why I'm publishing it now, but this song just hits me so hard at home..

___________________________________________________

Well, she was precious like a flower

She grew wild, wild but innocent

A perfect prayer in a desperate hour

She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in

Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens

When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

Stupid boy, stupid boy

Oh

So what made you think you could take a life

And just push it push it around

I guess you build yourself up so high

You had to take her and break her down

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens

When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost

The only thing that ever made you feel alive

Yeah, yeah

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands

And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans

Yes, ya did

She never knew she had a choice and that's what happens

When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old

Same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run

But when she did, she was long gone

Long gone, long gone

Ah, she's gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me

And she loved me, she loved me

God please, just let her know

I'm sorry, I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees

She's never coming back to me

Tears

To cry, crying.. what is really crying for? how does that display sadness. heavy hearts and broken smiles, feeling so alone. laughing and smiling only to hide whats there.

Floating

I am currently in the basement of Hargraves trying to study, but that's not really happening. I'm just skimming through the online lecture notes and trying to find something interesting to read elsewhere. Lack of concentration and procrastination go directly hand in hand. I'm just waiting for someone to either call/text me or pop up on MSN, to give me an excuse to get out of here and just bum.

The rapid typing, and people breathing, it's all too quiet down here. It's so dead, yet so full, and everyone is so studious. Some people laughing and joking around in the background thinking they won't be heard, or distracting. My surroundings are just there, but what is there, and what is here? Where am I? Where do I belong?

No directions, no ups, no downs, no lefts, no rights. Stagnant. The feeling of just floating in a large open ocean, with no waves, no currents, no land in sight. God, that whole thing just reminded me of Jaws. Having a shark then come attack me. Open deep blue seas freak me out.

Fuck, just distracted myself completely by reading on the megalodon.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megalodon

UFC Undisputed 2010

That game is seriously addictive.

Untitled

My name is Kevin, and I suffer from depression.

Regret

So yeh... First appointment tomorrow.. mmm I have the urge to start covering songs..

Facebook

Facebook what the fuck is up with you.. For the last few months Facebook has been happy to send me spam of suggested friends... who are these suggested friends?

SERIOUSLY WTF IS UP WITH THIS SHIT

White Washed

Push your controlling values aside,

And dissect your own life.

It's not about my beliefs.

It's about personal choice.

It breaks your heart to see me consume,

But it shatters mine to see people follow you.

Ask me to be blameless.

You ask me to be blameless.

You ask me to be blameless,

But who are you to decide what's right?

Don't say another word.

DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.

YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE.

Let's go!

I won't hesitate to put you in your place.

You are the straw that's crushing my back.

You ask me to be blameless.

You ask me to be blameless,

But who are you to decide what's right?

Don't say another word...

However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.

Thank you for the inspiration.

YOU'RE THE STRAW THAT'S CRUSHING MY BACK.

YOU ARE THE SALT THAT'S BURNING MY WOUNDS.

August Burns Red - "White Washed"

August Burns Red | MySpace Music Videos