Venting without a care in the world

 
I feel so confused with my emotions at the moment. There's a girl at work that everyone is giving me shit for. That we're dating or what not. So we had our Christmas party just last Friday, and the main perpetrator who started the rumours was hitting on her. For some reason I felt... something actually felt something for once, jealousy? I don't even know because I don't have any feelings towards the girl, or maybe I do. Ahh well I don't know, it has just been hovering over my head.

I know one thing it definitely made me feel, alone.

On a weird note, one of my friends had his girlfriend break up with him just two weeks ago. The reason why is because he was starting to have feelings for his ex again, and his girlfriend knew that he didn't fully love her so she had to end it. Come to now and I have another mate whose girlfriend is now having second thoughts while overseas with her ex on a school exchange trip and that her boyfriend (my mate) made her appreciate her ex so much more. It just leads me back to what happened to me a year ago.

With my ex coming back into my life. She was having second thoughts about her relationship with her boyfriend, and then her relationship with me, wishing that he had qualities that I have, or that I had qualities he has. After a month of her speaking to me and her trying to rekindle what feelings she had for me thinking it may be the right choice she pulls back with whatever clarity or epiphany she reached realising it wasn't the right choice. That left a huge hole in me again.

Now that I am hearing from my friend's side on what he was feeling/thinking when he was thinking about his ex while being with his girlfriend, it made gave me some sense of clarity and understanding where my ex was coming from with what she did. I still don't understand fully though. All I know is, she still wants to be my friend. I do too, there's been so many times I've wanted to start speaking with her again. I don't know when I'll be ready to though, at the moment its just me feeling alone.

Each time she came back in the past, the first thing that would come to my head would be, "Amy, are you feeling lonely again?" I don't want her to feel that way.

The other thing is, I sometimes still "over think" that the reason she still wants me in her life is because there may be more than my friendship, that there could be a me and her again. But we probably have outlived the dream of me and her.

I remember the second last time we spoke a year ago. I told her if she were ever to contact me again, I'd fly up there to see her and sort everything out. I was just so adamant in thinking that there is still me and her left in there somewhere. Six or seven months down the track I hear from her again. And all that I could think about was "am I really going to go fly up to see her? What do I say, what am I going to do? What am I trying to 'fix'?"

She tells me her motives of speaking to me again was because she's planning to move to either New York, Canada, or Melbourne for her Masters degree and if she were to come to Melbourne she had me here. This had my heart racing. So many feels happening I wasn't too sure what to think. She told me though she would be bringing her boyfriend with her to live down here too, that she's been with him for almost three years and nothing was going to change her relationship with him. She then tells me there is no reason for me to come up to see her as I would be seeing her at the end of 2013 or start of 2014. She wants me to approach her when I feel ready.

At the end of the day, I keep telling myself I did my best and that's why I should be happy, even though everything fell through. I did all that I could with my circumstances. Although my life may be stagnant at the moment, I think I've got an idea of where I want to be. The fruits of my labours, my pains, my gains, my losses, are coming to be. The pieces will move in my favour, even if they don't go my way it will just lead to a new path.

Little steps are being taken

What am I looking for? Life is just so different to what it was last year. My circle of friends at the moment are completely different to what they were last year. Its great a different point of view. I've cleaned up my act, eating healthy, actually got some of my life in order. I have made some sacrifice, but I've also gained so much more. I was so close to dropping out of uni last semester, but instead decided that taking a year off would be the best option. I still haven't got a great idea of what I want in life. I've become so passionate about e-sports/gaming industry, but I have no idea how to get into it, plus it's pretty much non-existent in Australia.

I've been told no I can't do this or I can't do that for so long. And for so long I've procrastinated and did nothing.

Welcome home

I have seen the fall of man
Succumb to the tyranny of false gods
Ruling their lives and controlling their thoughts
But they rebelled and found freedom
A revolution set to a new age

Yet control was not gone
Man sought out to be the ruler
With their oppressing thumb on the weak
They learnt only what their previous tormentors showed

Enslaving the race all over again
Raising idols and statues of what they became
Hideous beings who've lost their humanity
Appearing like the false gods
This vicious cycle continues

The end

I think this is where it ends. Today I am going to stop blogging. But I am going to keep this blog open so when I look back at it I can see how much I have changed, and everything that I went through to get back to here. Even though for the last few months I had already slew down on how much I was posting. I'll just keep this short and post four songs.



 
For that small part of me that listens to rap 

 
I am better than ever you can never stop me  
The calm and collected person that I have become
 
But of course the metalhead will always be here

I brought this all upon myself

 
Ever since I saw Iced Earth live, I've been even more hooked onto their music. The Dark Saga was such a brilliant concept album based on the comic series Spawn. You listen to this album and it is just such a great interpretation of the story. Fuck I can't post Scarred without posting Slave to the Dark and A Question to Heaven.


Just sit back and enjoy the music.

Stretching

So I have started stretching my ears just a few weeks ago and I eventually just got up to 5mm on Monday. It was only today when I started researching more into stretching the lobe that using tapers (the long acrylic "nails") isn't the safest way to do it as the acrylic is porous and makes the ear much more susceptible to infection and can cause blow-outs and other nasty stuff. Also the advice given by the piercer was absolutely wrong, "you can stretch up to 2mm every fortnight and for a newly pierced ear wait 6-8 weeks" that is just flat out stupid.


I was stretching it at 1mm per fortnight (knowing that was safer) but I decided to jump ahead with 4mm to 5mm faster than a fortnight. That one was a bit of a tight squeeze and it hurt a bit. As I was doing my research today I realised I need to use plugs instead and wrap it with either PTFE tape (Teflon/plumbers tape) or bondage tape (yes you buy that at adult stores). I would need to massage the lobes too with oil to make sure circulation is fine and to clean the plugs. Tapers just deform and destroy the lobes, at the start its ok but after getting to 4mm-5mm (6g, 4g) it becomes much more dangerous. And for a new piercing you should wait for 4-6 months until you start to stretch it.


I decided tonight that I was to check out how the piercing looks now before my shower. I pulled out the taper and unfortunately, even though it doesn't hurt, the hole looks like a cats arsehole, red, irritated and now actually swollen slightly. Great huh? Stretched it too fast and using acrylic tapers, a sure recipe for disaster. Well it's not too bad I can definitely salvage it. Just dropped a size back to 4mm and I will definitely be buying plugs tomorrow as well as emu oil/jojoba oil and PTFE tape.


If only I had done my research before I decided to stretch my lobes would I had avoided complications. Instead I listened to someone who I thought had experience on stretching ears (seeing as she had shitloads of piercings and also stretched lobes). 
But yeh I'm planning to stretch up to 8mm (0g) and just leave it at that (I still want to be employable). I've got in mind the tattoos I want to get done, but I'm just waiting until I obviously do more research, find a good parlour/tattoo artist, and get this damn body into shape again.

Boredom at work

Bounded by these mortal coils
This finite life, what have I succumbed to?
Lethargia overwhelming, vision is blurring
I thought I could live forever 
But its all coming to an end


A life of regrets
This is not how I want to go down
Redemption for this heavy heart
Atonement for all the sins

I am hated

Hated, for my very existence
That's how the stars have aligned
Previous allies turned to enemies
Showing their malice
Just another trial is this fucking life
Get a grip and don't waste your time
Too much energy consumed
Trying to endure the pain
But I just have to learn to let go
Accept their hate
Accept my pain
To begin again
Finding it, though, that's not the hardest part
It's letting go
____________________________________________________
If only Slipknot could play this song live.

Darkness Within

We build cathedrals to our pain
Establish monuments to attain
Freedom from all of the scars and the sins
Lest we drown in the darkness within



____________________________________________________
I can't decide which version is better the original or the acoustic. I finally got to see so many bands live and it was such a godsend for me. My taste of freedom. Today though, I just started to feel so frustrated. About everything and yet nothing at the same time. I don't even know what's wrong.

The Last Relapse

All that I feel is just struggle and frustration. Against it all. I stand here as I navigate through the misdemeanor of my enemies. Tortured and wronged. I will not forget. I will not forgive.

Why?

For the last few days I have been struggling to fall asleep. Especially with tonight I just have too much running through my head and my heart. I feel like I am suffocating at the moment. At this point I just want to find an escape from everything and everyone.

With friends like these

I am finally back home, after 3 weeks abroad I survived. Too much happened on this trip. It was a huge roller coaster for myself too many emotional ups and downs. I was battered down emotionally by the people I call my brothers. With torment starting way before the trip I was scared about how everything would be, and my expectations were met. When the very people you expect to have your back, to lift you up when you fall are the ones causing all this pain you start to re-evaluate everything. It's just insane when the most trust worthy people in your life just put you into the ground and drive you further and further into a pit of madness.

I was always reminded verbally about: how weak I am, how weak willed I am, how fragile I am, how stupid I am, how much of a bad person I am, how I am disrespectful, how much of a rat I am, how ugly I am, how fucked up I am, how useless I am, how I am the bottom feeder of the pack or even possibly the world, continuously, day in and day out, 24/7 without a day's break. Where my opinion was always "sorry lost interest", "Kev please", "Kev why are you always contradicting yourself", "Kevin, you're useless", "Kev you're plankton" "You're a rat", "You're so disrespectful". They were always talking about the negatives in me, never ever said any positives except "Don't worry, girls think you have a hot voice". I was always reminded about the negatives during a taxi ride, during a meal, while shopping, while in a tour group that I am in the omega. And then with every ounce of my strength that I used to keep my chin up and to regain some confidence it gets cut down and they try to put me in my place "Look at this guy, think he's top shit now". My self esteem brought down battered by the people I love. Yeh who needs enemies.

If you ignore all that though, the trip was great, but if only if I could shut out all that torment then I could truly say that. I wish the I could say the positives outweighed the negatives, but I can't. The experience of Vietnam and Thailand would had been an escape that would so perfect. I thought Vietnam was going to be extremely dirty, but to my surprise it was relatively clean, and not a single scent of sewerage was smelt. The people were genuinely nice and the food was amazing.

And Thailand was what I expected to be, a tourist trap where they try to sell you suits, hookers, ping pong shows, tuk tuk rides (this was in Patong, Bangkok didn't have the filth), but other than that it's a beautiful country. Bangkok was like a mix of Singapore, Shanghai and Melbourne for me, I wouldn't mind going again. We stayed at Patong in Phuket, which was once again the biggest tourist trap, nearly everyone there was a tourist. But it was just so conveniently packed, everything was in walking distance.

This trip seriously drained me, I am so glad to be back at home and to be alone in the comfort of my own home.

Holiday blues

A bitter moment erupted by the endless torment
Betrayal and trust broken from the wreckage
Am I meant for this world?
I have lost a lot and now I am losing myself
The brink of despair awaits
What final push will lead me to it?