Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty

You will ruin my life.. Hopefully got it out of my system for the next few weeks until my exams are done..

End of an old era, and rise of a new paradigm. No more dota for me anymore.. All that game has done is make me rage and rage. I can't deal with that constantly happening everytime I play.

Good Riddance

Ahhh when the little unknown things go unseen and then you find out what has happened. That sentence is so grammatically fucked up but that's alright.

Run rabbit run rabbit, run run run...

Just keep running and hopping

Did not expect this to happen. If I didn't care, I wouldn't blog about it. But there is still some part of me that does care. All I can probably say is Good bye, farewell, toodeloo, and good riddance

Dumdidum

Seems like yesterday when I stood up with the sun on my back. Feeling the heat burn down on me. It's just cold and rainy most of the days now. But it's definitely getting brighter, the sun is setting at a later time. Just like a whole cycle. Oscillating, life seems to be that way too, just need to get life back up though, not go through the whole cycle, but rather.. increase the middle point, the average. So I don't dip too far below again and again and again.

Mmm, I'm still waiting for my DTG shirt.. hopefully it will come tomorrow. Would be wearing it for the whole week I think haha. There seems to be a lot of waiting, and biding. Until that opportunity arises, I will try to jump on it then. But what I am even waiting for? I'm already trying to do a few things for myself, but it just seems like I want something to happen. I guess something will happen when I get my exams over and done with. I'll definitely be driving to see as far as I can go for one day. Out of Melbourne.

I generally find myself quiet with my mates. I don't know what to say most of the time. Small talk wasn't really my speciality. Do enjoy the company though, just not sure what to say. They jump in my car, and there's just a few things said then for the most of it.. it's quiet. Or even just hanging out with mates, I find myself either to be the one at the front, or at the back. Not standing next to anyone. I don't find myself talking. It's a bit of a struggle, to be honest. Everyone probably feels really uncomfortable about it. I know I do.

Jap food

There's a little voice inside that's telling me that I should go to sleep. Feeling pretty drained after little sleep for the last few days. Not much happened today.. Dialler was down for most of the day so we got to go home early if we wanted to. Left after lunch came and went to Ben's to watch Leverage with the guys. We went to J's Surf and Turf for dinner. All you can eat Jap food. Pretty good, get sick of the Tempura and the marinated chicken easily though..

We went back to Ben's house after dinner to finish the rest of Season 1 for Leverage. I had already seen the first six episodes at the end of last year.. It was my distraction.. for a lot of things.. Not sure why I stopped watching, may be because of laziness.

Well it's 1:09 now, gonna go sleep feeling tired..

Inception

Good movie.. Now was the whole movie a dream or reality from the start? That open ending was predictable from the start, but it really still does make you think. Even if it were a dream at the end though, he does move on from the past so he'll be happy to stay there and not care. ahhh... won't be sleeping tonight..

Plans

We make plans to kiss the sun at night

Hopeless dreamers, hopeless times

Shedding skin you show your beauty scars

Don't forget me or who you are

You know, this don't feel right

Who knows what we feel?

I just met you, I can read your thoughts

What they tell me is what I want

I'll keep you guessing, keep you wanting more

'Cause where we're going, no one knows

Hey now, you know, this don't feel right

Who knows, this could feel right

See I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts

So don't forget me or what you want

Light up the stage

Make your move

Give me something

So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm

Soon it unfolds

Who we are

In this masquerade of stars

Tear off the mask, the face you hide is what I'm missing

We make plans to kiss the sun at night

Hopeless dreamers, hopeless times

One was turning, one was standing still

I won't forget what was promised here

You know, this don't feel right

Who knows what we feel?

___________________________________________________

So just a change of pace from what I usually listen to.. This song has really grown on me. Absolutely love it.

Exiled Spawn

I am the faceless embodiment of your nightmare

Brought to flesh by your fear

I am the nameless spectre from the past

With hollow eyes that stare beyond

Your soul, your heart

Filled with bloodlust and sadistic mannerisms

Armed with a knife

Slowly filleting the skin

Teeth sink in and venom seeps in

Sardonic disfiguring of the face

No one shall remember who you are

Lost in the world whence you came

Become the beast inside

Losing every bit of your outer beauty

You had no humanity to begin with

Show the world for what's inside

Greed and selfishness

Evil incarnate from the womb of Satan

Walk this Earth with the Mark of The Abyss

Branded on thy forehead

Scorned and spited by Man

Rejected and refused by others

You useless piece of blood and dirt

Existence is eternal

Death welcomes you not

My sunshine

Trapped in isolation

Carving mutilation

Mind raped and body gutted

Rotting with my sorrow

This tortured soul

Tormented beyond belief

More pain and little relief

Free me... Kill me...

Save me from the very walls

I have created

So I can finally rest in peace

Rather than in pieces

Broken nails, bleeding fingers

I've tried to burrow out

But this prison has no escape

I can only stare out

To the world I was born in

The place I once knew

My mind is this suffocating tomb

Fitted just for me

For no one else to see

Cynical Bicycle

So I've just been writing my thoughts at the start of work..

It was the first time feeling like crap when I woke up this morning. Just feel so alone. I can't trust anyone. This cynicism has been hovering around for so long. At first a few years ago, mother told me that I should not trust anyone except myself and her. Back then I just scoffed at it, saying that it's stupid, I can trust my friends and my girlfriend back then.

But something snapped. When my heart broke for the first time. The poison started to sink in. I shut myself out from the world. I could not confide in anyone. I disconnected myself from everyone. Those were my darkest days.

It took me 2 years to finally start trying to open up to people. I felt a lot of relief. I was able to fall in love again, and I knew to expect a fall. However, I didn't imagine that I would fall this hard that I relapse to back to where I was. I had lost my trust in everyone again.

Its really hard to start, but I'm slowly trying to reconnect myself. I am just so tired of being like this.

Driving

When boredom kicked in a few hours ago it has just lead my down the same path with those thoughts, and feeling over crappiness. I wasn't able to keep myself busy, with games wearing thin, music non-existent, hardly able to study, and nothing to read. I just sit here staring at this screen. Feels pretty melancholic right now. Mmmm nothing like a cruise at night, haven't gone out for one in a while, so I'll go do that now..

1 hour 10mins later. I went by St Peters and St James at first just to check it out. Went to the city on the Princes Hwy, then back to suburbia on the Nepean Hwy. umm yeh i don't remember much else to write coz that was last night. But it sure felt good, feeling free, like I'm in control. When I'm not driving, I'm just back in my cage..

for today - wednesday 14/06/2010

Just another day at work. I decided to write a list of things I need to improve on personally:

To stop giving up when doing tasks

To bear through things that I don't want to do

To be less socially awkward

To be less quiet

To stop thinking that what I show on the outside isn't what I feel inside. I do feel happy at times.

Things to do:

Delete her from MSN. Its just no good, a lost cause. She doesn't even remember you. All I see is her bragging about her boyfriend. How he is so perfect, that he's everything she needs, and that not one can replace him. Don't know when I'll do it..

I am missing a close friend, a best friend. I tried to find it in her again, but its just a ghost of the past. The last two months since unblocking her, I've barely spoke to her. I just don't even know what to say. I can't even joke around with her. Everything is just dead.

I am not empty inside, but it feels that way.

Peace within myself

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure

Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders

Done so much, yet not content.. When will this hunger end? What am I actually craving for?

Update?

Mmm yeh haven't posted in a while. Nothing new really, just work 3 full days a week at the moment, hanging with Ben, Tim and Hong. Lambert coming back from Queensland, and finding out that him and Simone broke up. Felt pretty sad about that, but they're still really good friends. Having a drink up at Tim's, having about 1-2hours sleep then going to work 9-5 the next day, first few hours were hell then I started to feel alright and pretty good by the end of it. We were supposed to go to Bass Lounge that night too but we were all ceebs due to weather and what not. Its been pretty chilled and laxed, which is what I'm glad for.

Got the tickets for Shanghai and Seoul for 23th November - 24th December. Gonna be awesome, definitely something to look forward to. Tim, Ben and me. Lambert confirmed his parents are letting him go, but he isn't too sure if he wants to go to Korea.

Parents are up the shits again. Then again when are they not? Mum's always disappearing to these seminars from some sorta cult, and dad is complaining that she's never home and he isn't too sure how long left he can stay here. I'm not phased by this, kinda waiting for this to happen for so many years. Not sure how the little one would react to it all though, he's still so young. Loveless marriage, loveless family, fucked up kids in the end.

I feel so sorry for Benson, there's so much I want to do for him, but at the same time I can't. I don't want him to have the teenage lives that me and Matt grew up with, and definitely don't want him to have that same low self-esteem that seems to run in the family.

Got my permanent position at work too just recently, contract kicks in on the 16th of July. Finally get my sick leave.. I get paid fortnightly too now instead of weekly which sucks bad. Guess it ain't as bad as people who get paid monthly though ._. that must really suck.

I'm not sure what else to say, nothing's coming to mind.