End it now

All I see is nothing. No hopes, no dreams, nothing to look forward to. Wondering, drifting. You told me to just let me where life takes me, to not care about anything, to let go. Told me that I had let myself fall into where I am, saying that I could've stopped myself from falling yet want to be fucked up by choice, that I should just go with the flow..

Well here I am going with the flow for the last 6 months. Even though this was so long ago it just came back to my mind.. Yes it did and still does hurt that you think I've done all of this to myself that all I am doing is just seeking attention. Where was all the attention seeking? No one knows whats going on inside other than the people who read what's in this blog. All that people see everyday is a guy who laughs, smiles, talks and seems carefree. You didn't understand, you won't understand. I know I am fucked up, that doesn't mean I want to be fucked up. How many people want to wake up feeling nothing/shit, want the day to end, have been constantly drifting (going with the flow which you so call say) for so long having nothing insight. No one ever wants to be like that.

What happened, what you did. I won't ever get over that anytime soon. The only thing I looked forward to, the only thing that brightened my day, just walked away. I told you, I had no passion in my life and when you came into my life you were the only thing that made me happy. When you left, you left me with nothing. You took the sunshine with you, you took my life with you. I want my heart back. I want to fucking live again.

Me inside

Say, what now?

i guess we walk

where do I go?

guess we keep going forward

its been so many days i don't even know whats going on anymore

i just need to relax

we'll figure it out

I just keep going

suffocating

loneliness

we'll find something

anguish

we'll get over this

this life wasn't supposed to be like this

my whole life isn't supposed to be anyway

I'm not supposed to be like this

we are who

we are who we make ourselves

every step

worthless

meaningless

every step we take goes forward

I don't even know anymore

we're not supposed to know

it be as self told to us when it does

life go..

life goes where it takes it

life goes where we want it

where does life take us?

it takes exactly where we need to go

a million years ago it would've very easy

we go where we need to..

5 years ago it would've been very easy

and yet, its just not going away..

its a decision

this blank of piece of paper I just.. I don't understand

Where am I?

Where am I supposed to be?

We're exactly where we need to be

This life is just.. its just its.. its just the on going struggle to be something other than what you are,I mean I don't understand why can't I be myself

Why can't I just be..

Will anybody care about me if I'm not myself?

Wonder if anybody would care if am myself..

I've got too many questions

Too many answers

And then it breaks down into "where am I really? Do I know myself? Do i hear myself talking? These thoughts are just self serving, selfish ideas, that come out of nowhere really and break me down.

A soul's purpose in life is just to be loved

I don't even know if anybody really loves me. And I know that's selfish. But there's gotta be a little spot inside that has to be selfish

Out here it's just the cold, its just.. it's not safe.. its not safe anymore to be yourself..

the same questions, not enough answers. too many minds at work. they exist in troubled nonsense, how can you have common sense, if nothing makes sense, how can you have answers when all your left is with is more questions and thats all thats tied to this. Thats all that it is at the end of the day, thats all it will ever be. Its more and more chaos. I will find myself embracing it. Just take it away. I just need to find it. I just need to dig. I just hope that someone's listening..

Edit:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Youre-a-really-great-person-Stay-in-my-life-okay/109534959075013

sigh..

Impending Doom

So first midsem.. Walked out knowing I failed yet.. Where's that feeling of being doomed like I'm fucked for the rest of uni? I'm just like "meh". I know I will fail if I keep all of this up. I know I am fucked.

Letting it all go of my only ties..

Her prized possession, my final ties with her. I've sent off Booga. It was actually depressing, seeing that bear again. Memories flooding in, words not forgotten. Goodbye.. I don't think I'll be ready to talk to you for a very long time..

Spit in my face again

1: I have a bf now

2: again already?

1: I don't want to keep it from you

2: why?

1: why would I keep it from you? If I did you'd still think I'm single and continue to like me etc etc

2: you don't get it do you?

1: what's there to get :S?

2: how does you getting another boyfriend stop me from liking you

1: I dunno, coz you die a little on the inside, coz then you know you have no chance again, coz then you'll have to make the small effort on moving on

2: once again you really don't get it..

I don't feel anything at all.. and why am I not surprised..

You think I haven't been moving on at all? I want to be your friend, but when you fucked up my life I can't be. I'm still carrying everything inside. You think I haven't tried to let go? I know what my life is like, its good. I have awesome friends, I've got a job, I'm able to go do things. But that doesn't stop what's inside. You don't get it, you don't know.

Show me your scars..

I want to see her regret..

Disfiguring myself

So what now, here I am. In the middle of road. I'm really tired, is this the end? Do I stop now? This mask is heavy, so so heavy. I can feel the weight finally falling onto my shoulders pushing me down towards the earth. Collapsing, almost crushed. I want to sleep, but now my dreams are once again plagued. I'm just in so much pain, the premonition of my psychosis. The wounds are all splitting open again, swallowing everything. JUST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I'M SCREAMING INSIDE, DYING HERE EVERYDAY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Am I chemically imbalanced? Does my body not produce enough happy hormones, or none at all? Am I biologically messed up? Frail, weak, and dying. Suffering in silence, its tragic, beautiful, staining, painful, suffocating.

It smiles, its back again.. I thought it was gone, but it was only sleeping. It hid itself from me, making me believe it was truly gone. So I won't ever be normal then. It'll forever hover over my life. It won't ever leave, it'll hide itself at times, but will come back. How many years has it been? 5-6? So what that’s already 1/4 of my life like this.. 25% of what I've lived.. The last few years of my life..

What ever happened to living, dreaming, actually being happy? Are those days gone? Does happiness lie in myself? Or does it lie in others? I was… happy.. When I was with her.. Even though I'm so irritable and eventually getting pissed off with what she did at times.. I can't see myself being with other people because of that..

How do people move on so easily? We build up something, and then it crumbles.. It drains you, its tiring, to build up something. It takes effort and when it crumbles its hard to start again, yet other people move on like its not a problem.. And that’s just a huge slap on the face.. It hurts it rips you up on the inside, to the point where you're dead. Your world crumbles, your world suffers.

Time is running out..

First time in such a while that I've woken up feeling like utter shit..

Filling up with emptiness

I still feel empty and lonely inside.. I found someone, well more like.. someone, who I've known for the last few years now, is similar to me. It just never really clicked until a few days ago. It was slightly relieving to know someone who does feel like this, yet at the same time, you think "No one should ever feel like this" and that's pretty depressive in itself. But for the first time in a very long time, I was able to express what's inside.

There is a light at the end, I don't need people to tell me that. Or else, why am I still here? As consuming and draining it all is, something is there even though at the moment everything isn't all that great. I'm growing tired of it all, this routine, this charade. When will it end? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? Next decade? I don't know. We won't ever know.

Existence

You're hurt. You're broken. That's alright

This might be what it takes to wake you up.

What am I waiting for?

"I'm sorry" that's all I want to hear you say..

Edit:

So keep stabbing my heart.. What the hell am I thinking? Is there anything left in my life? Where the hell am I going? I can't express anything, it's all inside but I can't fucking express it, say it, display it. Even here which is supposed to be my escape, my relief, my conscience, my self expression, I can't do it.. I've fallen but no one will know this dark pit I am in.