Disfiguring myself

So what now, here I am. In the middle of road. I'm really tired, is this the end? Do I stop now? This mask is heavy, so so heavy. I can feel the weight finally falling onto my shoulders pushing me down towards the earth. Collapsing, almost crushed. I want to sleep, but now my dreams are once again plagued. I'm just in so much pain, the premonition of my psychosis. The wounds are all splitting open again, swallowing everything. JUST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I'M SCREAMING INSIDE, DYING HERE EVERYDAY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Am I chemically imbalanced? Does my body not produce enough happy hormones, or none at all? Am I biologically messed up? Frail, weak, and dying. Suffering in silence, its tragic, beautiful, staining, painful, suffocating.

It smiles, its back again.. I thought it was gone, but it was only sleeping. It hid itself from me, making me believe it was truly gone. So I won't ever be normal then. It'll forever hover over my life. It won't ever leave, it'll hide itself at times, but will come back. How many years has it been? 5-6? So what that’s already 1/4 of my life like this.. 25% of what I've lived.. The last few years of my life..

What ever happened to living, dreaming, actually being happy? Are those days gone? Does happiness lie in myself? Or does it lie in others? I was… happy.. When I was with her.. Even though I'm so irritable and eventually getting pissed off with what she did at times.. I can't see myself being with other people because of that..

How do people move on so easily? We build up something, and then it crumbles.. It drains you, its tiring, to build up something. It takes effort and when it crumbles its hard to start again, yet other people move on like its not a problem.. And that’s just a huge slap on the face.. It hurts it rips you up on the inside, to the point where you're dead. Your world crumbles, your world suffers.