Warped dreams

I have been having the most weirdest dreams for the last few nights. Last night's dream though, was kinda nice for a change, and sort of nostalgic? It felt great, special but at the same time just completely weird, not sure if it is devoid of reality, it could possibly happen in real life.

I am gonna get kicked out of uni aren't I

Depressed, fucking exam..

When its dog eat dog you are what you eat

There comes a time when you lose yourself in everything that you fear. Engulfed in flames, cleansed by the fire.
I have been baptised twice
Once in water, once in flame
I am the right hand of the Lord and the instrument of his vengeance
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So I had my first exam in over a year today. Went a lot better than I anticipated, stressed quite a lot yesterday and this morning before it. When reading time started I almost died, because the exam was completely different to the two previous ones. But as I was doing it, I actually knew what I was doing and understood it. So hoping for a pass.

What's on my mind:
This is a trivial matter, and it may seem selfish, self absorbed whatever. I have been feeling this for quite a while too. I turned 21 not too long ago in April, I didn't celebrate it as I didn't feel like it but that is besides the point. I was looking forward to what my friends would be getting me, as last year a lot of us have been turning 21 and everyone getting extravagant gifts. I was pretty damn excited in what my friends would get me.

I ended up with a wallet, a hip-flask and a novelty mug. I tried to be happy with what they gave me, after all a present is a present, it's the thought that counts.. But after all the huge gifts we got people last year, like netbooks, a PS3, a $1000 camera, LCD monitors, a huge drink up in a hotel. I was lead down to disappointment. The only gift that I am using is the novelty mug, the wallet is just sitting there collecting dust.

Why am I bringing all this up now? Well with the influx of more birthdays happening, its all like "I asked such and such what they wanted, lets put thought into this, I think he wants to get this" etc etc. And I'm just standing there thinking, well no one asked me what I wanted. Did they ever ask Kevin "do you want a new bag? a new jacket? Alcohol? Games? DVDs? Albums? Technological peripherals?" nah we will just settle on getting you a goddamn Oroton wallet just because its branded. Well I just bought a wallet about 6 months ago with you guys while overseas in Korea, pretty sure I don't need another one any time soon. Too be honest I thought I made it clear new headphones would be great as my old ones broke a month before my birthday and I was using my crappy Logitech headset that I have been lugging around uni.

Yes I am not happy with what I got, I never said anything before to anyone because I thought I shouldn't be disappointed, mad, and not satisfied with what I got and be happy. Its just fucking pisses me off. Pretty much been there for everything, in the past, helping people buy what they want, helping decide what to get.

God fucking damnit.

If I was to sink my teeth into your eye right now, would you be able to stop me before I blinded you?

I will become the destroyer of lives
Destined to survive the end of this world
The corruption and disruption of the balance of power
A war of eternal struggle, the martyrs nailed on their crosses
The very cause you die for will not set you free

I will be become the destroyer of faith
Governed by laws not known to man
Whispering into the president's ear
Fear, Hate, Cleanse, Eradicate
You will start the new war to end this era of dissolution
Wipe their slates clean

I will become the destroyer of humanity
With billions sacrificed
Bring forth darkness, nihilism
Become slaves of the unknown
Bestial nature no longer suppressed
The lust for blood rising again in us all
Feasting on each others flesh

Violence will be our only instinct
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This all inspired by this scene in Shutter Island
Warden: Did you enjoy God's latest gift?
Teddy Daniels: What?
Warden: God's gift. Your violence.
[Daniels looks at him blankly]
Warden: When I came downstairs in my home, and I saw that tree in my living room, it reached out for me... a divine hand. God loves violence.
Teddy Daniels: I... I hadn't noticed.
Warden: Sure you have. Why else would there be so much of it? It's in us. It's what we are. We wage war, we burn sacrifices, and pillage and plunder and tear at the flesh of our brothers. And why? Because God gave us violence to wage in his honor.
Teddy Daniels: I thought God gave us moral order.
Warden: There's no moral order as pure as this storm. There's no moral order at all. There's just this: can my violence conquer yours?

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I lose you

I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew

If you only knew how many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew how I refuse to let you go
Even when you're gone

I don't regret any days I spent
Nights we shared or letters that I sent

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew, if you only knew

I still hold onto the letters you returned
You helped me live and learn

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
Believe in is you, I still believe in you,
If you only knew

No one else can save me but you

This week is not so ordinary, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. Is uni work all there is? Once this semester is over I am not sure what to do next. There's a lot of things I need to catch up on, and find out where I stand in this universe. The worth of my grain.

Seek and you will find my child
The very thing that you've travelled to find
A place of solitude, where you belong
With a leap of faith, where will you land?
Hold on tight and it will be over soon
Your conscious thoughts will disappear
The obscurities will fade
The blinding mist becomes your medium of perception
Your need for eyes are gone
Able to see what the world really is
No longer deluded by false gods
That controlled your life for so long
Are you ready?
Are you ready to take this chance?
To let it all go and find what you're searching for