Death was bestowed upon me

Slowly expanding throughout the darkness. The sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards have their thumbs on the hammer, and fingers ready to pull on the triggers. With the simple thought of going out in a bang. They are all cut down to their knees, blood spewing, and their intestinal matter seeping out. My execution, what I thought was to be the end, extended. The gleaming metallic blade emerging from the shadows. My would be saviour now turning the blade towards my throat ready to slice the jugular. He asks "Is this it? You've lead armies, won battles, conquered kingdoms. Yet you just kneeled their accepting your death?" Silence set upon me, I am not ready to die.

________________________________________________________________

Yeh I've been pretty bored for this whole midsem break. I haven't gone out for a while. I went swimming today though and my second/last cartilage piercing fell out. Not very happy about that at all. So I'll let it heal, and then get it all re-done again and hopefully get someone better to do it. Ahh work in 12 hours, I should sleep soon. I am planning to go overseas to Vietnam/Thailand with Phung and Allen. Thing is though I really need to talk to them in regards to booking shit up, I'll probably have to do it all myself in the end knowing those two. But at the same time, even though I really want to go overseas, I don't feel like it. Guess I'll just have to wait and see, even though I need to plan this stuff now haha...

Suffocate

I held onto the rocket, asphyxiated with the lack of oxygen. I am so close to reaching space but with no spacesuit on, the very shell of my being will perish. The earth behind me looking like a giant marble of blue and green. I can feel the cold air surrounding, slowly freezing my mortal shell. As the rocket pulls away towards the sun, the radiation burns deep, boiling my blood. My memories running by, the life I lead, all coming to a stop once I pass this point. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, say goodbye, don't let go.

Do you..

Do you remember that time? Under the stars, we were young and stupid back then. Do you still think of me? I walk around in this wasteland, and there will be something triggering memories, invoking thoughts of you. Its strange how everything is referenced back to something, be it good or bad. Just something from our life in the past. The past is what shapes us, but holding onto that past just kills you. Do I regret? Sometimes. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Everything that has happened has lead me to this point. Without anything I would be nothing. Without everything I wouldn't be anything. These scars that run deep into the abyss that is my soul are all stories and what we do with those scars shape the entity which we call ourselves.

I never did stop fighting, but I had to save myself even if it meant I had to let you go. If I didn't, I would have perished in the fire. I survived because the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me. I fell down into that dark chasm, but the flame burned on and on.

This is my life and my life alone.

Relief and pissed offedness - NEW TRAINING REGIME

I managed to survive this terrible week consisting of my assignment and midsem. Wednesday night couldn't had come any sooner, I was so fucking relieved of everything and I wanted to splurge because it was VIP night at Chaddy. We got there super late at 10pm and it was closing up in an hour, but I managed to score a really nice grey blazer from Witchery Men.

Now in regards to the pissed offness, as it was said from my previous entry about KRAs for next month. Well I just got my QC score back (quality control) I was going to get a 1 (the best score) because I got 100% for four calls... but on the last one... I failed instantly straight from the start, and because it was a Privacy Act breach all my 100%s meant nothing. I am so fucking pissed off about this, as KRAs are next month and I needed the 1 from QC to make sure I get the 2. Sigh.. I miss out on a 5% salary increase.. Will only be getting 3%.. and that's a lot for a year. It really shattered me because I was aiming to do well and everything.

On the other hand though, I did come first for kept rate stats for last week and I'll be getting a $50 Visa Debit card, pretty stoked about that, I know I'll be able to pull it off again this week, but one thing that is worrying me is because I failed QC I won't be getting the Visa Debit as something like this happened to one of my mates a few months back, he won three $50 Visa Debits for one month, but then wasn't awarded them because he failed QC, I completely understand how he feels...

I had another shitty experience at work today. I talked a bit last time about cancer patients using that against us, well this happened today right after I found out about failing QC. I was already feeling like shit already and I was trying to rationalise with the customer. He told me to cure leukaemia for him... Yeh I don't really have much more to say about that, just a huge low blow.

On other news the book I ordered last week also came through! Seven Deadly Sins, I got a hard cover of it and it was only $23 from The Book Depository, free shipping too! I've read the first two chapters so far and its pretty full on.

Hong's 22nd dinner tomorrow night Ishiya Stone Grill, the place looks awesome as and I can't wait. The thing is though, I've started my training again, and also dieting too. I want to lose this beer gut I have, problem at the moment is, I have lost 2kg. It may seem like an awesome thing but I want to keep muscle mass so I know I've burnt muscle too. What I need to do is start resistance training again with heavy weights, eat right and continue with my HIIT session on top too so that I actually burn fat. The main HIIT burpee training is getting easier too, so that means I need to start adding more into the main HIIT. At first it was do as many fucking burpees as I could, take a 1 minute break (then 1 minute 30 seconds top in the later sets until I reach about 120) then do another set and repeat, eventually aiming for at least 10 reps per set if I was dying. I then refined it to be, as many burpees as I can in 30 seconds, then a 30 second break, then another 30 second set until 20 minutes is up. After that I'd do mountain climbers until I died for 3-4 sets and then 2 sets of crunches with 100 reps.

The HIIT is the burpees, I will be refining my HIIT to be 30 seconds burpees, 15 seconds mountain climbers, 30 second rest and repeat, eventually reaching 30 seconds mountain climbers. I will only start this when I am able to do all (roughly 120-130) burpees in full proper form. After a while when I find it too easy I will be adding in squat jumps into it too. Yes I will die because of this. Yes this work out is insane but it works. The only way to train is mind over matter, you can achieve anything that you set yourself out to. If you want results, you need goals. My goal is to lose my beer gut and have by summertime at least my six pack showing. The main problem I face now is losing my muscle mass, so I will be starting again with my 4-7 training routine AND hopefully this time I will do it safely and not hurt my back like I did a few months back causing me not to train for quite a long time, and thus causing this huge beer gut to form ._.

Procrastination leads to this

I am currently procrastinating damn assignment and midsem this week. I have downloaded the Eviews for my assignment and it's all buggy, keeps crashing, and I can't find any other cracks sigh.. Can't work on it tonight, so I'll have to work on it tomorrow at uni. So my midsem is 10 multichoice, and two calculation questions.. Our tutor has already gone through it, I feel alright for it.. but I haven't really touched on it too much. I don't want a repeat of 2 weeks back with the advance corporate finance midsem. It's not so bad since 1/20 passed, so I don't feel bad about it.

I went to see a course adviser earlier this week, as I had lost all motivation in uni, just to make it look like I was still interested in everything and was worried about how I am going. With the amount of times I've failed and completely flunked a unit, my average is standing at 48. Yep I'm averaging a fail at the moment. I was told I have only have two core units left to do and five electives. It's pretty sweet, with two of those electives being first year units! Only problem is, will I even pass this semester. With the amount of procrastination and lack of motivation I just don't do a thing. Like this whole day I've been trying to work on a program that keeps crashing only to feel like I've done something, when in fact I haven't really progressed. So I'll be at the computer labs tomorrow from 9am-9pm trying to finish this assignment hand it in, and hopefully pass this time around unlike the 36% I got on the first assignment.

After Wednesday though, I should be free! But then I'd probably have another assignment to do. But no more midsems, so its not too bad. Just hoping for my awesome cramming skills to get me to pass again this sem, so I really need to put in the work again. Shame that passing won't really help my average that much. But yes Chaddy VIP night on Wednesday so I'll be popping by after my midsem for some much needed R and R. I have still got that $160 Coles-Myer gift card from the chocolate product tasting to use. I also just ordered online Corey Taylor's autobiography - The Seven Deadly Sins. So that will be a good read.

I am currently dominating work. After last month's "I am going to beat you Parama" and falling half way down into the bottom. October is when our KRAs/six month review is. I am hoping for a 2B or even a 2A for a very nice pay rise. Only way for that A though is to put shit loads of work into work. I'm pretty much stuck with a 2, won't be able to increase that into a 1, unless I am somehow able to increase all my stats in the next 2-3 weeks. Its so weird with having everyone in my team gone, except for Dan, everyone else has just come in this year. I've been in the same place since January 2010, so 1 year 8 months. In my training group, Leigh got fired after six months, Sophia left to Hit Squad/Mid Delinquency after 7-8months and now is in Legal/Late Stage after, Louise moved to inbound a few months back, and now Leo and Hannah both moved to Late Stage together. I am still here in Early Stage with Ken, but its actually pretty sweet, being the most, well second most experienced person on my team, I get all the perks of floor walking, buddying, training, and more time off the phone. But, its time to move on, so after this semester of uni I will be applying for Legal/Late Stage, or Skips tracing; both of these being an equal in pay rise, about $3800 increase in salary.

I know this isn't going to sound too good, due to increasing costs and everything, but money isn't really an issue with me anymore. I earn too much for what little I do, it may seem like I am complaining, but I am not. I am able to do most things, due to this. Price for food and little services never bug me. I'm used to buying lunch for about $12 for 5 days a week. That's $60 all on food, I could be saving shit loads if I didn't buy food for uni/work. With fuel, I don't care if its on the cheapest day of the week or not. If fuel is $1.29/L or if fuel is $1.45/L it doesn't really matter. I'll be more likely to buy fuel when its $1.29/L, but if its $1.45/L on that day it doesn't bug me at all. I am already driving a super fuel efficient car, driving about 300-450km per week and only spending $40-$50 per week or even per fortnight if I'm not driving that much. I could be taking public transport and saving so much more too, I have to pay for parking at work, which is $8.50 per day. A blue parking permit for uni is actually worth it though for $360, it's only $4.60 per day, as I'm only at uni 3 days a week for 26 weeks.

These are my general expenses for every day living. It is seriously fucking great to be earning this much, and still living at home as I don't have to pay for a mortgage or rent. But I am helping out my parents, paying for the utilities - gas, electricity and water, car insurance and rego. I am able to save up so much, and I am not a materialistic person so I never really spend beyond my needs. Never at the point of living between pay to pay. To be honest, I'm not sure what sparked this out of me to start ranting about my financial situation.. it seems extremely egotistic, and self centred. Its probably due to the six month review next month, and I actually can't wait to see how I am going. Even with intra-day stats coming out daily, showing my performance. It'll be great to see that reflected in an actual proper report.

This job though, I am a debt collector, is not very glamorous (kinda is, I'll explain later), and not very pretty. You have customers scream at you, swear at you, abuse you, and they are all ignorant to the fact that you do indeed understand them and know what it is like to be in their position. I have had people break down on me, cancer patients threaten me - yes cancer patients who use their illness as a means to threaten, and expect us to sympathise with them when they are the ones who at first lash out. Old people who do not understand how credit cards work, even 18 year olds with maxed out credit cards not knowing about interest, monthly repayments, monthly fees, and the fact that some are willing to go bankrupt so the debt disappears without knowing the consequences is just crazy then again there are actual adults of middle age who know nothing on credit cards. Better yet some of our own staff in other departments with credit cards that fall into collections too, some even defaulting on their repayments is just atrocious.

You get customers starts to crack the shits at you because their credit card was automatically suspended due to them missing their repayment. Or for "us" allowing their credit cards to go over the limit. It is in their terms and conditions, which many people I assume have not read, a credit card is a very serious responsibility, which unfortunately a lot of people seem to abuse. You can't use your phone if you didn't pay for your phone bill, you can't use your utilities if you haven't paid for them, so what makes a credit card any different? It's not free money, its a loan that you have applied with the bank, and its in your duty to keep it in order. We certainly give sufficient warning about suspending accounts, that's what your monthly statement is there for, for you to see where your account is at, how much interest you have been charged, how much you need to pay at least, and your transactions. If you don't think monthly statements are sufficient, then fucking apply for interest banking and you'll be able to monitor your account every day. I just can't stress enough that your credit card maintenance is your responsibility, the bank isn't their to wipe your bottom.

The sad thing is, I have become jaded to it all, after the first two months you become so used to it, and think that everyone who has their credit card in collection is a major douchebag/bitch, but then you get those customers who actually make you feel good about yourself, and understand why they are being called, who actually make their repayments, who understand their debt and appreciate the call, they are the ones who make the job some what fulfilling. A bank is a business too that needs to make a profit, unpaid debts costs the banks a lot, so we're here to help the bank not lose money. And we actually do help customers get their shit sorted, some are in collections for so long but never speak up about issues they are having with their finances, if you are struggling we are actually there to help. We are not heartless, because everyone deserves a chance, but unfortunately once you blow those chances, its very hard to crawl back out. In the end though you can't be proud with it. But any job at all is seriously worth doing well.

Working here though, with all the perks and rewards we get, it is a big incentive. We get shitloads of work parties, with a free flow of beer and wine on the tab. Our last party was just two weeks ago. You get rewarded for performing well, raffle draws for working overtime, prizes in the past included 55inch plasma TVs, PS3s, Xbox 360s, Wiis, iPad 2s, cameras, movie tickets, $300 Visa Debits. The weekly prizes are $50 Visa Debit cards. R and R (recognise and reward) is a monthly one hour celebration. We get to nominate our peers for helping out the team, it is actually great to help people get rewarded for going above and beyond. They provide us free food and drinks just for working. Teams earn money weekly for performing well, and if you come in the top 2-3 you get that money, which goes forward to your own team events. There's 6 teams in early stage, so there's a lot of competition going around for the money. I haven't won anything myself yet, only just my team coming in the top 3.

Its a shame that I can't apply "a job worth doing is worth doing well" to uni. Uni is worth doing well, and I am not a very good student. I thought I did mature and grow up in regards to uni because of last semester, but now everything is different. I have decided that I do need to finish this degree. So I might as well do it well, although I have procrastinated for the last 7-8 weeks. Its something I need to change before its too late.

In a previous post, I wrote about my perception of reality, viewing the world in the terms of Fallout. Well I'm glad that that is over now. It was seriously such a mess to perceive the world in that way. I am currently writing a song about Fallout though, I am taking a very different approach to it as with all of my other songs I just get an idea and write and publish in a matter of 10-30minutes. This is taking time and thought, because I want this to turn out very well. See once again why can't I have that with uni ahhhp.

I have written so much in this entry, but I just had so much I needed to get out.

Whitechapel

Ok this is my 100th post in this blog. Didn't think it would last this long to be honest haha. Well this in this post, Phil Bozeman of Whitechapel posted on his Facebook the meaning of all of their songs on each album so I'll be posting all of those from start to end. The lyrics are amazing, and the meaning behind them are pretty strong too (for some songs). This is going to be an extremely long post, this band, along with a few others have really influenced the way I write.

The Somatic Defilement
The Somatic Defilement is a concept album "based" on Jack The Ripper. Which a lot is fairy tale songs.

The Somatic Defilement - This song is a fabrication of the mind of Jack The Ripper. This song puts the work of him with the work of many serial killers. They crave power through the dead.

Devirgination Studies - This song is along the same lines but goes off the theme of female driven killers, much like Jack The Ripper. Again, this is me putting myself in their head.

Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation - Again, this song is driven by female serial killers. The power they feel and long for is explained through sexual pleasures that they have at their disposal.

Fairy Fay - In this song, the story of Fairy Fay, a woman murdered but never proven to be one of his victims. Some say she never existed and this is a fabrication of the murder. Hence the line "This confidential lick of my tongue will be taken to the grave and never be seen again."

Alone in The Morgue - This song has nothing to do with Jack The Ripper, this song is a simple song about a coroner who is a demented necrophiliac. The song speaks for itself.

Ear to Ear - Again, the song speaks for itself. Pretty much every victim had their throats cut and severed violently by Jack The Ripper.

Festering Fiesta - This song focuses on more of a Jeffery Dahmer approach. His collection of rotting bodies were his keepsake for his work. Beyond the point of disgusting.

Articulo Mortis - The term means "in the moment of death." This song is a fabrication of Jack The Ripper experiencing that moment of death with his victim and conversing with them and feelings of remorse for what he has done.

Vicer Exciser - This song is about a killer who thrives off watching his victim suffer and bring them to the point of being on the brink of death but can keep them alive and aware of what is going on while they are slowly killed. The title means "a bad habit to cut".

This Is Exile
This Is Exile is a concept album of the fall of evil. This album is not about Satan or anything of the sort! Many of you question my religion, I don't follow religion but I am a believer of God! I am not here to judge, I am here to let you know about me and my work and how I feel. I'm not saying you must believe what I do, that is your decision.

Father of Lies - This is the beginning, where it all started. This is the failure of a certain being and how his lust for power corrupts him to corrupt what he once believed. This is the tragedy of his betrayal. Again, these are fictional characters.

This Is Exile - This song is a sad outlook for the fallen one. Exiled to darkness and eternal torment, much like how we treat ourselves. A place where we destroy ourselves. A place where happiness is obsolete.

Possession - This song portrays the deviant mind of the harvester of evil and how it is used by us to create a dark future. We let our minds be controlled because we refuse to control it.

To All That Are Dead - This song is about how the restless dead and the tortured souls are used as pawns by people who choose to be evil. This song portrays the people who chose to be tortured and the hurt it causes to those who were loved by them.

Exalt - This song is about cults. Cults are usually evil groups of people who follow a certain belief. This song portrays the madness and corruption they have on a person/people. Believe in yourself and what's true in your heart, not what someone brainwashes you and tells you to believe.

Somatically Incorrect - The title is a play on words of the term "grammatically incorrect." Referring back to the first album title. This song is about the anatomy of us as a species and how we adapt to what we surround ourselves with. The mind is a powerful tool that is easily misused.

Daemon(The Procreated) - Again, this song is not about Satan or anything religious. This song is about letting yourself be created as a demon to cause pain and suffering on others. This is where the third character comes into play. A pawn for evil.

Death Becomes Him - The title refers to "Daemon" being destroyed. The weakness of his mind and inability to control it has led to his demise. The music is depressing and dark, just like he left this world.

Eternal Refuge - This song is about the hypocrites of this world who choose to live a life of pain but portray that they're existence is innocent. People who are constantly seeking refuge for their actions and judgmental actions towards innocent people. Evil will consume you and make you think you're invincible.

Of Legions - The title refers to an army of individuals, not that of the Roman army but of us as a species. This song has the feel of an epic march to free ourselves from darkness and eternal suffering.

Messiahbolical - This song is about false prophets and how they will do anything and everything to corrupt their followers. In the end, if you live a life of deceit, you will never be happy. If you fail yourself, you fail everything and everyone.

A New Era of Corruption.
This album is more about my life and personal experiences. It also portrays my views on reality. In a nutshell, this album is about my life and who I have come to be.

Devolver - This song is about how I felt when my father and mother died. I felt as if I was devolving and losing my mind. I lost my faith and my beliefs. I hated everyone. I felt like I was beginning a new era of corruption in my life. My step father fed me lies and hippocratic oaths. I let evil take me over.

Breeding Violence - Again, this song is me. Once a man, now a beast. My mind corrupted by hypocrisy. This is me during the time of my loss of my parents and what I let myself become. My step father was breeding violence into me and I let him. I felt helpless. I was a threat to the future of my mortality.

The Darkest Day of Man - This song is about how easily people are fooled and how gullible they are. People will believe almost everything they're told. Trust yourself and believe what is true in your heart. These are our darkest days and we are letting it happen. This also portrays a tyrant taking advantage of that.

Reprogrammed to Hate - This song goes back to my personal life during my dark days as a teenager. I let my step father essentially reprogram my mind to be something I wasn't. This is me speaking to him and him speaking to me.

End of Flesh - This song is my journey into darkness and how I was alive and well but what I was born into was dead to me. I was pretty much becoming Anakin Skywalker hahaha.

Unnerving - This song is about my mother and her schizophrenic period. My mom had a notebook that she would write disturbing things. My mom had multiple personalities and this song is about her personalities tearing her down. The term "God" in this song is referring to her personalities making her believe that they are "God".

A Future Corrupt - This is me letting evil corrupt my future. Destroying my youth, my faith and making me think that evil is my resort for happiness. This was me pretending to be a tyrant when I was a kid.

Prayer of Mockery - This song is portrays my disbelief in God after everything that happened to me. I was angry and consuming myself with evil and darkness. This is what I let myself become and what I was, and I am not proud of it. All that has changed now but I still remember and will never forget what I was letting myself slip into.

Murder Sermon - This is the song I wrote about killing my step-father after his lies, deceit and promises he made. He brought religion into it and was completely hypocritical about it. He got my mom addicted to crack which eventually led to her death. This was a dream I had of killing him and shoving his religion down his throat that he preached. Another thing I am not proud of.

Necro-mechanical - This song is about us as drones to life and how we let ourselves become what we could easily control. This is another dream of mine awaking as a machine and controlled by someone else. It was beyond frightening.

Single File to Dehumanization - Yet another dream I had.
All I remember was being in a line of people that didn't end and I was unaware of where I was going but I couldn't get out of the line. To this day, I have no explanation for the dream. This is also to do with how it seems in real life.

What do

When the curtains fall
A deep sigh of relief is released
How long will you put up with this façade?
Lying to yourself to hold onto to this godless endeavour
Maybe its time you call it quits
Throw in the towel and hang up the gloves
With one more year left though
So close to the finish line
_________________________________________________________________________

With my current marks though, the chances of me getting a graduate position is slim to none. I've failed too much and done too little. I have no motivation at all this semester. It is retarded, with last semester I stressed and worried about how I did, and now here I am at the point of not caring. One of my mates, Leo, told me I should transfer to RMIT with him to do Property and Valuation just like the Street brothers are. Should I take this offer, because it'll be commerce all over again, but obviously more specified and easier than here, or should I change into engineering, or stay in Monash continuing with commerce or even do part time study with the consequence of staying longer and paying full fees, or the worst case scenario... drop out..

I could always take a gap year, work, travel, find my state of mind and get back to study. But there is obviously that huge massive chance of me just not returning to study, which is something I do not want as I need to get a degree.

Here's to passing

Hope and despair
As I sit here studying the ancient craft
A demon bestowed upon me
My freedom for my soul
Or was it an angel who granted me
Infinite power and knowledge
To grow wings and fly away
Into the nether
Escape from this reality and form my own

I stare out the window
The blue clear skies
Calling for me to take flight
And leave my mortal bounds
Of this human body
Become what I really am
Am I a hell spawn?
Or an angel?
No mirrors reflect what's inside
My shell disguising every image

Is there any hope for me?
Or is it all just despair?
They all see me in my projected image
Of what I want to be
Maybe that is who I am
I am who I want to be
And I will continue to grow
Be it angel or be it hell spawn
I am alpha, and I am omega
You can never define me
I am one, and I am all
No walls to bind me
No doubt to pin me

I shall embrace hope and despair
These are my two weapons

___________________________________________________________

Currently trying to study for my midsem but as you can see I am procrastinating. I'm finding it hard to take in what I am doing, but at the same time, I know it? Well I see it and I know it, but I don't know if I can retain the information for the next few hours. Maybe I am starting to stress now, which is a good sign but I'm not too sure. 6.30pm is judgement time.