Just maybe

I am glad to have met you. But I have to let you go. Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry for everything. Maybe sometime in the future things wouldn't be so messed up. Maybe I can finally have a different light on the world.

I am alive

But am now dead in the world I was born into.

Pretty boring day at work today, did not want to get out of bed. Highlight I guess was having that risk seminar which took 2.5hours, best NPT in a while. Shitloads of new people on the team too.. feels so weird being one of the veterans, but then again I've been training people for the last 4-5months I've been here. So I guess it should feel right. I have finally applied for my annual leave and updated my work hours. My stats over the last 3 months have been pretty average, with sickness, exams and stuff. But since I'll be working close to full time I can definitely pull them up and probably do a lot better than most people. I know that sounds cocky, but if I'm able to keep up with my stats in my current state, then I'll definitely be able to do well.

Awesome thing is Phung applied for a job with me, he made it past the phone interview, and is having his group interview tomorrow. I'm pretty amazed as I didn't refer him for the job. Thing is though, its for inbound, and I'm working outbound. So he'll be the floor above me if he gets it. Ahh oh well best of luck for him tomorrow.

Trying to find something to look forward too in due time, as Korea is just too far ahead to look at. I mean I am excited for it, but once again too far ahead.. I mean the guys in Ragequit are pretty much stressed out hardcore at the moment, Uni is seriously draining them. I just sit hear and listen to them, it's pretty full on too.

I feel something at the moment, I don't know what it is. It's just a lump sitting there inside. It feels heavy, and its suffocating at the moment.

I've been told to do a post

So yeh, someone told me I should do a post today/tonight.. *glares at Angelique.. Mmm can't really say much has happened, just been playing SC2, been meaning to go out but today's weather was absolutely shit. I wasn't able to change shifts for work as JT and Larkin weren't working on Saturday, so got nothing to do until Thursday. Definitely need to catch up with the boys, been too long.

The Hurricane Season boys have released 3 songs of their demo. Pretty sweet I gotta say. Can't say I enjoy T-Millionaire's vocals though. Definitely a solid effort though. Can't wait for the EP.

Mm yeh getting late, better sleep now.

Over

Its over, no more uni until March 2011. I'm just waiting for my cousin to get to my place to drive me to work. My hands are freezing, and I'm quite tired. Mmm its weird, I never did get to do my drive.. I just went straight to hotpot that night, spending time with people, rather than spending time isolated. I still want to go for that drive. I feel nervous at the moment, I don't know why I just do. I think its because during all of my exams, I felt no stress, or anything, and because of that, there was no weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I should've went to sleep earlier, feeling too tired right now. This is an extract of a convo I had just yesterday

(11:25 AM) Tanya: hi are you there?
(11:26 AM) kevin..: hey yeh i actually was gonna say hi to you
>>
(11:26 AM) Tanya: I just took an IQ quiz
(11:26 AM) kevin..: oh fail its a bot
terrible\
(11:26 AM) Tanya: im not a bot silly, its me
(11:27 AM) kevin..: nah too bad i'm sorry
(11:27 AM) Tanya: I was smarter than I am! I scored 111
(11:27 AM) kevin..: sorry you're just a bot
and it makes me sad that you are
it really does
(11:28 AM) Tanya: you gotta try if you can beat me, http://iqscoretest6.com/?test=14c4340fb
(11:28 AM) kevin..: that's just a virus
(11:28 AM) Tanya: lol no its me
(11:29 AM) kevin..: what is my name then
(11:29 AM) Tanya: im sure you cant lol
(11:29 AM) kevin..: see exactly
you're not tanya
you're just a program
(11:29 AM) Tanya: take it now while im in the shower and tell me ur score later
(11:30 AM) kevin..: lol...

So yeh I was just so disappointed by that. I really did want to speak to Tanya. She was a cool person, and yeh she was a friend of Amy's. Sigh oh well, whatever. Damn Bots.

Half way

Just finished my second exam. Well more like - walked in, sat down for 1hour left. Yeh I'm a major screw up. Two exams done and I wasn't able to do anything. Once this week is over I'll be glad. Just to leave it all behind. I don't feel any remorse, or bad about all of this. Its just back to numbness.

mmm I'll get back to this blog later

EDIT:

Ok had my third exam today (it being Wednesday now) it went good I guess.. not as well as I hoped because I knew most of the questions yet I had mental blanks and forgot a lot of things. So yeh bit tired of it all. I really wanna relax tonight. Probably hit up SC2. But we all know that would be a big mistake.

I have booked the hostel rooms for Shanghai and Seoul, lame that was my budget for the week, need to drain out of the savings zzz. But I'm glad that's over now, one less thing to worry about now.

Last night I was excited about getting paid.. then I realised that I'm getting paid next week and not today, major drainer. There's this guy behind me playing WoW. It's quite funny. Will head home soon, I'm just procrastinating here. I've got so much I want to do after my exams are done. I'm not too sure where to start though. I'll keep it all under hush-hush first so I don't disappoint myself. Just need to take baby steps.

Expletives and Say you'll haunt me

It's Sunday and I am not ready for my first exam tomorrow.

So the story starts off with Phung's Friday night 21st. The night was so scattered, everyone did their own thing practically in a few separate groups. A few guys got smashed early on the night, other's went clubbing, few others were just playing 360, and a few others were gambling. The whole night as much as I enjoyed myself, there was a lot of inner frustration and feeling uncomfortable about many things. I just couldn't shake the feelings. I felt suffocated at times in the room.

When everyone was finally back together in the room, many went to sleep. I couldn't sleep, as I still had that unshaken feeling. So I went out with Tim, surprised that guy survived a lot of the night with all the shots he had to take. We were just talking. Its scary finding out the things you find. It was good having a release of things you need to get out. I didn't realise how long we were talking for until the sun came out.

Why do I hold all the regrets of yesteryears? As much as they pain me, I still carry them. I punish myself for some absurd reason, and just continue the torment.

When you start opening up to new people, you wonder if it's worth it. I mean people who actually seem interested in listening. Am I just scared of showing what's inside? I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want people to know what is there. Yet for some reason it's just flowing out with some people..

Say You'll Haunt Me

Little supernovas in my head

Little soft pulses in my dead

Little souvenirs and secrets shared

Little off guard and unprepared

I was never good enough to find

I was never bad enough to mind

In the middle I will do my best

Take me in your arms and leave the rest

I will give you anything to

Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

Little variations on my page

Little doors open on my cage

Little time has come and gone so far

Little by little who you are

I can see the patterns on your face

I can see the miracles I trace

Symmetry in shadows I can't hide

I just want to be right by your side

I will give you everything to

Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

I belong to you

Little supernovas in my head

Little soft pulses in my dead

Little souvenirs and secrets shared

Little off guard and unprepared

I will give you everything to

Say you want to stay you want me too

Say you'll never die you'll always haunt me

I want to know I belong to you

Say you'll haunt me

Together, together we'll be together, together forever

I belong to you

_____________________________________________________________________

So this is the new single from Stone Sour's Audio Secrecy which is released early next month. I am so looking forward to it. This song is pretty deep. Its about love and it seems so obsessive. I like..

Its dark yet so soft at the same time. It's like what Slipknot tried to achieve but failed on All Hope is Gone. With each listen I like this song more and more. And its the final nail in the coffin, Corey and Jim don't have their heart in Slipknot anymore, All Hope is Gone showed that, Paul's death has hurt the band to the point I don't think they'd be able to make anything. I mean Joey says that they will make another album, but Corey says he isn't too sure. Listening to Say You'll haunt me, shows the fire that was once in Corey's heart about Slipknot is now fully in Stone Sour.

Hearts burst into fire

I'm coming home

I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

Have I fucked things up again?

I'm dreaming

Too much time we'd have to spend

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

You're not alone

I know I'm far from home

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

Do you wait for me again?

I'm screaming

No more days we'd have to spend

It hurts, wound so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

My beds so cold so lonely

No arms just sheets to hold me

Has this world stopped turning?

I'll wait forever to be apart, forever to be apart

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

I'm coming home

I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

I'm screaming

I'm dreaming..

__________________________________________________________________________

So umm yeh not really a big BFMV fan.. I don't like a lot of their songs. This song is just so goddamn cheesy that its good. :( I'm such a pussy.. been listening to it since the start of the year. Its really grown on me, I can play some of it on guitar. I've been meaning to post the song on the blog for a very long time. But I dunno, just a lot of things stopping me. Got nothing to hold back now though.

QFT

Dear diary,

Today I got my first period. Well, I thought I did. It was only when I realised that I actually don't have a vagina, that I found it was just me cumming blood.

That's all.

By Angelique

Quiet

The trains are coming, I can hear them rattling the tracks. They get louder and louder. But then everything becomes dead quiet. No sound, just utter complete silence. Everything is frozen. Everything is gone. I'm looking around, trying to look at what is happening. I can't make out the picture. It's all just a blur, my reality as I know it. The tracks are the only visible thing I see, yet there are no trains. The sky feels like its going higher and higher, with the sun shining and no clouds in the air. I look back to the ground and the path just seems to have disappeared. There is no ground, and the sky has disappeared. Nothing makes no sound, nothing makes no warmth, nothing makes no life. The only thing that stands before me are the tracks. Guess its time to follow the tracks.

Resent for the weak

I keep waking up with this hollow feeling

It hurts and drags on

Yet all I do is keep to myself

I miss... no I won't say it,

You don't deserve it, never will

Why do I resent everything so much?

Everything that I am too,

Everything that surrounds me in my home

Is all that I hate

Breaking free and living large

What will fill up this emptiness?

I'm still young, got plenty to live for

But I trap myself within this prison

That I call my mind

Its not tangible

Its an automation of my past

That I have been programmed to hate

This socially inept, shy, embarrassed

Person you see right here

Has all been affected with how he grew up

No older brother to look up to,

No parents to lean back on to,

So I've secluded them out of my life

I don't need them, they were never there for me

They would never understand

And all of this causes all the emptiness inside

In turn starting to shut out all my friends

The people who are there for me

I resent myself

I hate myself

And all of this won't be fixed by saying all that..

Sigh

Just came crashing down again.. Feel so alone right now..

Warm winter nights

Ahhh the inability to study and concentrate. It's just so argh.. I can't deal with this. I want to study but I just keep procrastinating. I'm not even stressing.. Which is absolutely terrible.

I got my DTG shirt.. it looks sooo awesome, even though it's just a plain white tee with the logo, I don't have many white shirts. Material is pretty light too and not too thick. Ahhh I think this could be a start to my online shopping career. I really need to save up though for the end of the year.

So yeh I've got my Auntie Adelene and Uncle Simon from Perth staying over for the next 2 weeks, and also my Auntie Serene from Malaysia too. They're all going to Mt Buller over the next few days with my family and I'll be home alone to study and work.. I would go but yeh.. Deferred exams and all.. I just got a letter sent from Monash saying I've got to sent to me stating that its and early warning letter about being excluded from the Uni. Reason stated was because I deferred 2+ exams... stupid monash.. better start studying now..