Venting without a care in the world

 
I feel so confused with my emotions at the moment. There's a girl at work that everyone is giving me shit for. That we're dating or what not. So we had our Christmas party just last Friday, and the main perpetrator who started the rumours was hitting on her. For some reason I felt... something actually felt something for once, jealousy? I don't even know because I don't have any feelings towards the girl, or maybe I do. Ahh well I don't know, it has just been hovering over my head.

I know one thing it definitely made me feel, alone.

On a weird note, one of my friends had his girlfriend break up with him just two weeks ago. The reason why is because he was starting to have feelings for his ex again, and his girlfriend knew that he didn't fully love her so she had to end it. Come to now and I have another mate whose girlfriend is now having second thoughts while overseas with her ex on a school exchange trip and that her boyfriend (my mate) made her appreciate her ex so much more. It just leads me back to what happened to me a year ago.

With my ex coming back into my life. She was having second thoughts about her relationship with her boyfriend, and then her relationship with me, wishing that he had qualities that I have, or that I had qualities he has. After a month of her speaking to me and her trying to rekindle what feelings she had for me thinking it may be the right choice she pulls back with whatever clarity or epiphany she reached realising it wasn't the right choice. That left a huge hole in me again.

Now that I am hearing from my friend's side on what he was feeling/thinking when he was thinking about his ex while being with his girlfriend, it made gave me some sense of clarity and understanding where my ex was coming from with what she did. I still don't understand fully though. All I know is, she still wants to be my friend. I do too, there's been so many times I've wanted to start speaking with her again. I don't know when I'll be ready to though, at the moment its just me feeling alone.

Each time she came back in the past, the first thing that would come to my head would be, "Amy, are you feeling lonely again?" I don't want her to feel that way.

The other thing is, I sometimes still "over think" that the reason she still wants me in her life is because there may be more than my friendship, that there could be a me and her again. But we probably have outlived the dream of me and her.

I remember the second last time we spoke a year ago. I told her if she were ever to contact me again, I'd fly up there to see her and sort everything out. I was just so adamant in thinking that there is still me and her left in there somewhere. Six or seven months down the track I hear from her again. And all that I could think about was "am I really going to go fly up to see her? What do I say, what am I going to do? What am I trying to 'fix'?"

She tells me her motives of speaking to me again was because she's planning to move to either New York, Canada, or Melbourne for her Masters degree and if she were to come to Melbourne she had me here. This had my heart racing. So many feels happening I wasn't too sure what to think. She told me though she would be bringing her boyfriend with her to live down here too, that she's been with him for almost three years and nothing was going to change her relationship with him. She then tells me there is no reason for me to come up to see her as I would be seeing her at the end of 2013 or start of 2014. She wants me to approach her when I feel ready.

At the end of the day, I keep telling myself I did my best and that's why I should be happy, even though everything fell through. I did all that I could with my circumstances. Although my life may be stagnant at the moment, I think I've got an idea of where I want to be. The fruits of my labours, my pains, my gains, my losses, are coming to be. The pieces will move in my favour, even if they don't go my way it will just lead to a new path.